It Saddens Me To Announce That My Wife Is Having An Affair With This Insanely Jacked Monkey

Honest question: This monkey steals a mozzarella stick off your plate before blowing a kiss to your girlfriend on your anniversary dinner? What do you do?

Because in my estimation, you have two choices: 1.) Pretend like nothing happened, bottle up the frustration, and take it out on a loved one at a later date, and 2.) Confront the monkey and get your fucking face ripped off.

It comes down to a less-of-two-evils type situation.

The animal is known as a White-Faced Saki and it was spotted at the Korkeasaari Zoo in Helsinki, Finland.

Santeri Oksanen, a Finnish photographer, snapped the photo of the muscular monkey and told SWNS: “The other monkeys were very small in comparison, they all looked a bit scared of her.”

You want to know some cool facts about White-Faced Sakis? Me too.

According to my extensive Wikipedia search:

1.) They are extremely devoted to one another, and mates often mate for life. They strengthen their bond by grooming one another.

2.) They are predominately leapers, which is how they travel (branch to branch) 70 percent of the time. The other 30 percent is made up of walking, running, and climbing.

3.) If White-Faced Sakis senses a predator is near, they will then puff their bodies up and stomp their feet on the ground or in trees to intimidate the threat.

I laughed at this:

God what a meathead.

Dare me to say it to his face. I won’t.


Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.