Jay Cutler Reveals He’s Having A Nightmarish Time Dating Post-Divorce, So We Made Him A Tinder Profile

istock/Getty/Tinder Kit

Finding love as a 38-year-old with three kids is like trying to convert on 3rd and long with a quarterback sneak. Add in the dubious intentions that accompany fame and money, and you can tack on a soft taunting penalty and back the chains up another 15.

Jay Cutler, a full 16 months after separating from Kristin Cavallari, is finding this out the hard way.

In a rare moment of vulnerability on his Uncut With Jay Cutler podcast, the former Pro Bowl quarterback revealed dating is “hard as hell.”

“Meeting people is hard… I think finding out what people really want from you, I think that’s probably an issue. I’m at a different phase of my life now with kids and priorities have just changed. It isn’t just a purely selfish play by my part.”

“There are a lot of other aspects that have to be taken into consideration whenever you get back out into that world and the whole landscape has changed,” he said. “You know, there are apps, there’s Twitter, there’s Instagram, it’s a whole different ball game. You’re not just walking into a restaurant or bar and talking to somebody. That doesn’t exist anymore.”

No, Jay. You’re showing your age with this “meeting someone in person” nonsense. That’s a good way to be escorted off the premise in zip cuffs nowadays.

Take it from a guy who met his fiancé on Tinder (thanks Super Like feature!) and achieved fleeting internet glory by Douchifying my Tinder profile. The future is digital. Let’s get you up to speed.

Photo 1: Generous Jay

While most men nowadays take a victory lap after tweeting about a social cause, show her you’re one of the last remaining OverSized Check Guys to establish out the gate that she’ll always take a backseat to those in need.

Photo 2: Jay Vice

Let her know that life with you is more than just charity banquets and children’s hospital cameos. If you want to suck down an American Spirit after a long day of denying vaccination science, by golly that is your unalienable right.

Photo 3: Jay Adventure

“Travel and adventure” is non-negotiable for women in my swiping experience, so a photo of you letting it all hang out at an all-inclusive resort is like fishing with dynamite. Just make sure you snap the photo before you’re booked for indecent exposure and tossed in a Dominican holding cell.

Photo 4: Jay Pets

“Omg is he yours?” “What’s his name?” “Is he a rescue?” I’m sorry but if you can’t hold a conversation from a photo of you holding a farm animal, you should just give up and join the monastery.

Photo 5: Jay Adversity

Show her that if you can get up after being pile-drived into the turf, you sure as hell can get up after a couple stiff martinis at Nobu. Don’t forget to flaunt your battle scars without boring her with the tedious details about the longterm effects of repeated blows to the head.



Remember, after creating your profile, I can bring the proverbial deer to the feed, but only you can make them eat it.

You’ve been sacked 322 times in your career, it’s about time you do the sackin’.

Your work is just beginning.

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.