Joaquin Phoenix Praises Fellow Nominees And Pays Tribute To ‘Favorite Actor’ Heath Ledger In Amazing SAG Award Speech

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Upon winning prestigious awards, celebrities typically adopt one of three templates for their acceptance speeches:

1.) Lobby for Social and Humanitarian Issues 

Pros: Admonish the public’s belief that celebrities believe they’re the center of the universe. Educate people on how educated you are. Bleeding hearts puts asses in the seats.

Cons: No one likes being talked down to about “doing their part” from someone who owns six houses, a suit made of bald eagle, and plays make believe for a living.

2.) Act Surprised

Pros: Shows the public you are humble and gives you an opportunity to pass for a shitty speech.

Cons: No one likes a shitty speech. Own the win you spineless coward.

3.) Prop Up Your Fellow Nominees

Pros: Prop up your achievement by lauding your opponents for their worthy performances. Demonstrate that you take your craft seriously by studying the industry. Giving someone a thoughtful compliment is always more profound than thanking some assistant associate director of your movie while the ‘ok enough’ music begins to play.

Cons: Heath Ledger wasn’t around to hear it.


This photo of two psycho clown killers gave me the chills. The world works in mysterious ways.


Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.