Upon winning prestigious awards, celebrities typically adopt one of three templates for their acceptance speeches:
1.) Lobby for Social and Humanitarian Issues
Pros: Admonish the public’s belief that celebrities believe they’re the center of the universe. Educate people on how educated you are. Bleeding hearts puts asses in the seats.
Cons: No one likes being talked down to about “doing their part” from someone who owns six houses, a suit made of bald eagle, and plays make believe for a living.
2.) Act Surprised
Pros: Shows the public you are humble and gives you an opportunity to pass for a shitty speech.
Cons: No one likes a shitty speech. Own the win you spineless coward.
3.) Prop Up Your Fellow Nominees
Pros: Prop up your achievement by lauding your opponents for their worthy performances. Demonstrate that you take your craft seriously by studying the industry. Giving someone a thoughtful compliment is always more profound than thanking some assistant associate director of your movie while the ‘ok enough’ music begins to play.
Cons: Heath Ledger wasn’t around to hear it.
This photo of two psycho clown killers gave me the chills. The world works in mysterious ways.