Joaquin Phoenix Praises Fellow Nominees And Pays Tribute To ‘Favorite Actor’ Heath Ledger In Amazing SAG Award Speech

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Upon winning prestigious awards, celebrities typically adopt one of three templates for their acceptance speeches:

1.) Lobby for Social and Humanitarian Issues 

Pros: Admonish the public’s belief that celebrities believe they’re the center of the universe. Educate people on how educated you are. Bleeding hearts puts asses in the seats.

Cons: No one likes being talked down to about “doing their part” from someone who owns six houses, a suit made of bald eagle, and plays make believe for a living.

2.) Act Surprised

Pros: Shows the public you are humble and gives you an opportunity to pass for a shitty speech.

Cons: No one likes a shitty speech. Own the win you spineless coward.

3.) Prop Up Your Fellow Nominees

Pros: Prop up your achievement by lauding your opponents for their worthy performances. Demonstrate that you take your craft seriously by studying the industry. Giving someone a thoughtful compliment is always more profound than thanking some assistant associate director of your movie while the ‘ok enough’ music begins to play.

Cons: Heath Ledger wasn’t around to hear it.

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This photo of two psycho clown killers gave me the chills. The world works in mysterious ways.