‘Groundbreaking’ New Malaria Vaccine Yet To Be Approved By Kyrie Irving, Cole Beasley

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Sub-Saharan Africa waits with baited breath as Kyrie Irving and Cole Beasley have yet to stamp their approval on the new malaria vaccine that rinky dink health agency WHO deems “groundbreaking.”

While Dr. Pedro Alonso, director of the WHO’s global malaria program, called the Mosquirix “a historic event,” can the 500,000 people who die of this infectious disease each year really put their lives in the hands of a medical professional without a strong social media footprint?


Raise your hand if you’ve read any of Dr. Alonso’s 350 articles on the topic at hand or attended the virtual livestream when he was named one of the 50 Most Influential People in the vaccines field.

Exactly. Me neither. How can we expect checks and balances when the dude doesn’t even have a blue checkmark?

Therefore, as a journalist with integrity, I cannot endorse the perceived merits of Mosquirix without a thorough scientific assessment from one source who once claimed that JFK was killed by the Feds and another whose taken comparable blows to the head.


So, to all the children who will die every two minutes from this dreadful disease, hang tight. Tough it out. Watch Uncle Drew on Blu-Ray. Listen to Cole’s new rap album no one asked for.

Or you can take it like puppets, but don’t come crying to us when you start growing horns in 60 years.

The choice is yours.






Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.