Mark Zuckerberg’s Absurd Sunscreen Use Is The Haunting Image No One Asked For

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In 2016, it was reported that Facebook spent $5 million annually to ensure its founder and CEO stay protected via bodyguards, private-jet travel and maintenance of alarms, cameras and other equipment at his homes.

The investment to keep Zuck safe from outside elements extends far beyond human threats, and into the center of the solar system.

The 36-year-old did his best human impression by engaging in water sports in Hawaii, complete with an electric surfboard and a five-gallon vat of Banana Boat sunscreen caked on his face because apparently heat and UV rays can be damaging to the mechanical parts within Zuckerberg’s robo-head.

(I also learned today that Zuckerberg has a caboose big enough to house the Winklevoss twins.)

If this picture seems obscure to you, consider that it features the same guy who allegedly made a Facebook employee blow-dry his armpits before meetings.

Totally human.

Luckily for Zucc, the internet gave him a free pass and the surf photo will likely never be seen again.

NAHT. He is getting more heat online than his sunscreen can handle.

Poor Mark. All he ever wanted was to create a platform to creep on his female classmates.

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.