Martin Shkreli Is Being Sent To ‘The Worst Prison He’ll Ever Be In’ After Hillary Clinton Troll

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Nobody likes watching Martin Shkreli self-destruct more than Martin Shkreli. The dude values trolling more than his own liberties. It’s almost honorable.

The 34-year-old demonstrated this once again in the wake of a highly publicized court case in which he was convicted of securities fraud. As he awaits sentencing on January 16, proper protocol would be just to lay low to ensure a cushy sentence, as Martin has no prior criminal record.

But that’s not Martin. Nope. A federal judge revoked Shkreli’s bail after the former pharmaceutical executive posted a Facebook status update that offered $5,000 to anyone who could grab a strand of Hillary Clinton’s hair.

This stunt landed Martin in Brooklyn’s Metropolitan Detention Center, where infamous mob boss John Gotti served time before he died, a defense lawyer said.

“He’s in the worst prison that he’ll ever be in, considering the charges he was convicted of,” the source told the New York Post. “He really put himself in a bind.”

“He’s going to be in total shock,” said Attorney-in-Charge Deirdre von Dornum.

“It’s freezing cold right now. The inmates are wearing hats and are wrapped in towels to keep themselves warm, because [officials] keep the air conditioning up for some reason.”

“In the winter, it often gets very hot,” she added.

The New York Post reports that in 2008, fellow Ponzi schemer Raffaella Follieri complained that he got sick inside the MDC after being served rotten food and forced to use “unspeakably unsanitary” bathrooms with “excrement in the showers” and rats “roaming freely in the area.”

The conditions are so bad that inmates are currently filing a class-action lawsuit against the MDC that claims they were subjected to “conscience-shocking, oppressive, egregious, capricious and dangerous conditions” at the prison.

A woman who was visiting her brother at the prison warned that if Shkreli brings that cocky shit into the prison, he’s going to pay a price.

“It all depends on how you present yourself here. If you gonna be arrogant, you’re going to be treated a certain way,” she warned.

Conclusion: Do less, Martin. Do so much less.


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Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.