Netflix’s New Reality Show “Too Hot To Handle” Looks Like An Absolute Blast

Netflix

Netflix dropped a new reality show today called “Too Hot To Handle.” From what I can gather, it’s a cross between Love Island and Catholicism. A group of contestants—carefully vetted using the Wunderlich test—arrives in paradise ready to act on their impulses, peeling off bikinis and un-velcroing board shorts en route to sandy bone seshes that kinda hurt, if we’re honest. Of course, it’s not that simple… The big twist is that the prize gets taxed for every touch, smooch, swallow, and creampie that these young intellectuals enjoy, with larger chunks taken based on how far around the bases they go. What a fun idea!

I can’t watch it. Not that I’m above it; it’s just not for me. I prefer the gratification of porn, where you’re celebrated, not fined, for dousing someone’s tonsils with pee. This does not seem like the time to celebrate sexual abstemiousness. Obviously the idea is that they’ll give in to their carnal instincts, that people will choose sex over money. But did we really need a show to tell us that? That’s the entire business model of prostitution: guy gets paid on a Friday, takes his money to the porta-potty behind the Gamestop, and forks it over to the mottled claws of some former Miss Teen Cumberland County in exchange for twelve humps and a patch of flannel crust. We’ve been choosing sex over money since the days of yore!

I’ll say this in the show’s defense: they chose some hotties. Not easy to do in England. I did a bit of research and they sourced from off the isle too, casting from America and Australia as well as the UK. Even so; call me old-fashioned but I prefer entertainment where the romance is consummated. I need that gratification. Give it to me. Yeah, yeah, give it to me good.