The Hottest New Wrinkle Treatment In The Celebrity Streets Is Covering Your Face In Semen, Naturally

Movie Clips/Something About Mary

Do you want to achieve a YOUTHFUL GLOW LIKE THE STARS?

Please sit on this couch and sign this non-disclosure form.

Excuse me while I play K-Ci and JoJo ‘All My Life’ softly in the background.

*Unzips pants*

Don’t laugh.

You want to look like A STAR don’t you, you average peasant!

You know what, let’s expedite this process. Can you pull up that True Detective GIF on your phone?

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No, the unedited one. Actualy screw it, we’ll do it live!

OK OK OK. Here it comes! You’re going to be StAaAaAaAaaAAr!



So just massage this into your pores 1-3 times per day and you’ll look like Reese Witherspoon before you can say ‘Grab me a tissue.’


This is how I envision the growing trend of using sperm aka baby batter aka penis colada to reduce wrinkles.

The process is advocated by celebrity facialist (totally a thing) Chelsee Lewis, who lists Stella McCartney, Gwyneth Paltrow, Suki Waterhouse and Erin O’Connor as her A-list clientele.

Speaking with Daily Mail, Lewis described her best kept secret:

Using your partner’s sperm as a mask is full of a compound called spermine, which is an antioxidant which can help reduce wrinkles, smooth the skin, prevent acne or spots and give you overall healthy-looking skin.

As my mother used to say, ‘It pays to be beautiful.’ Oh God, I hope the price of admission wasn’t my potential brother. Yikes.

So there you have it, ladies and gents. Semen kills wrinkles.

And if that’s a bit too extra for you, try Kate Beckinsale’s ‘penis facial,’ a $650 experience that involves a peel and microneedling, followed by a proprietary penis-infused serum derived from “Korean baby foreskins.”

Or you could just not try either and keep your dignity.

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.