Norm MacDonald Makes Coronavirus Jokes: Not Sure If He Has Tom Hanks Disease Or Did Too Much Cocaine

Norm MacDonald makes coronavirus jokes at the Irvine Improv.

Getty Image / Gary Miller / Contributor

There is a coronavirus pandemic. Everything is terrible. Everything is canceled. You’re supposed to be locked inside your home and not going to the movies, concerts, bars, stores, and comedy shows. Why not try to calm your nerves by listening to Norm MacDonald riff on the coronavirus. During his stand-up appearance at the Improv, the comedy legend talks about the coronavirus outbreak, Costco, cocaine, cherry pie, SXSW, making his own hand sanitizer, a room full of guns, and gobbledygook.

MacDonald started his comedy set off by saying: “I wasn’t going to talk about the coronavirus,” which got several groans from the crowd at the Irvine Improv. “But on the way here, I got really ill,” Norm added, but blamed his sickness on eating a cherry pie.

Norm points out that some people will have to die from COVID-19, but not him, because Big Pharma is working on a coronavirus vaccine “for him.” This is how many of us secretly think to keep from panicking.

“It’s funny how Big Pharma is so evil… until now,” Norm joked. “It’s like, what is it, $200 a pill? Yeah, that’s good, that’s fine, I’ll take it. Gimme all you got.”

MacDonald thinks he might have the coronavirus, which he calls Tom Hanks Disease (THD), but his sniffly nose might also be caused by snorting cocaine.

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“Remember the good ole days when washing your hands didn’t take three hours?”

“I don’t want to alarm anybody at all,” he warned the audience. “But I could sneeze on you, and it would be the equivalent of a nine-millimeter.”

“Who knows how you’re gonna die? I mean, we all know now… but think back a week ago. Think back a week ago,” Norm joked. “I love back a week ago. Moving way too fast.”

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On March 12, MacDonald said that he was canceling his next two stand-up shows because of COVID-19.

“It’s morally wrong for me to do stand-up and cause strangers to possibly become sick,” the stand-up comedian tweeted. “And now, with this virus, it seems even more wrong. I’m postponing my next two gigs, but am hopeful a vaccine comes that protects us all from Tom Hanks Disease (THD).”

MacDonald made coronavirus jokes with fellow comedian Colin Quinn, who asked: “Stupid question. In case of emergency. Which is easiest to catch. Rat or squirrel?”

“Completely dependent on the day itself. It is why in restaurants they have a catch of the day,” MacDonald replied. “Also, before we reach this state, Colin, we should all have food stockpiled. I, myself, have over 5000 freeze-dried rats and squirrels in my basement. And there’s only enough for me.”

In these times of uncertainty, it’s always beneficial to laugh once in a while to break the stress of it all. And maybe do some cocaine if laughing doesn’t help.

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