Queen Guitarist Brian May Hospitalized From Gardening So Furiously He Tore His Glutes

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Gardening is supposed to be therapeutic. We make jokes about it but have you ever actually grown something from a seed into something delicious? Where you start small in a little pot and cup the soil around the seed, then dribble a little water on it every day, turning the pot to make sure it’s catching the best sunlight, staring at it for hours and willing it to grow grow grow? You stare at the tiny little tag with the image of how the lettuce or basil or cucumbers will look once they’re fully formed and worry through the night, hoping that you can protect your child but also knowing that it needs space to grow?

Then finally one day, a little green stem peeks out as if to say hello! Hi dad! And a tiny, solitary tear rolls down your cheek and splashes into the soil, and the salt content from your tear causes the plant to dry out and die?

Fuck plants.

I grew a tomato vine once. Picking those cherry tomatoes and throwing them in a salad made me feel like a magician; that somehow, that salad was bestowing magical powers upon me. It also made me feel like God, which was intoxicating. Suffice it to say, I can understand how people become addicted to gardening.

Enter Brian May—legendary guitarist from Queen and avid horticulturalist.

“Suddenly I find myself in a hospital getting scanned to find out exactly how much I’ve actually damaged myself. Turns out I did a thorough job — this is a couple of days ago — and I won’t be able to walk for a while or sleep, without a lot of assistance, because the pain is relentless,” he wrote.

I guess there’s gardening and then there’s landscaping on mood-altering PEDs. Good lord dude, take a break for some iced tea. He TORE his GLUTES? Do you know how big your glute muscles are?! Huge! They’re the hugest muscle in the body! Now granted, Brian May has that weird British rocker body where he’s all skin and bones and his pants fall off unless he wears women’s, so I suspect his glutes had the structural integrity of a Firestone tire before the recall. Even so, how acute of an angle must one form with back and leg to “shred” your glutes? Is he fertilizing, or trying to blow himself?

Here’s to a speedy recovery, Brian. And consider using some of those Bohemian Rhapsody royalties to hire a helping hand when you get back on your feet pal.