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This is 911, what is your emergency?
Hello, yes, I am currently being held captive in a thirst trap in East Hampton and I cannot escape.
May I ask how you ended up in the trap, sir.
A 78-year-old woman put me here through the power of seduction.
Sir, what does your capturer look like?
Blonde hair. Full lips. Smells like a mix of scones and marijuana. Wise, but playful. Giving off a strong ‘I’m A Nurturer But Also Have Spent Time In Federal Prison’ vibes. Doesn’t look a day over 58.
Have you had any contact with her?
…no.
Sir, we have a hydration specialist en route to help quench your thirst and get you on your way.
My wife cannot know about this.
Sir, we keep all calls confidential so as to not incite copycat crimes.
That would be terrible.
Yes, sir. Yes it would.
***
All hail Martha Stewart, the Queen of the backhanded compliment.
