Things to consider on this week’s Summer House:
-Does Jordan’s penis work?
-Will Carl and Lindsay’s recent breakup cast a pall over the entire house?
-Will Luke’s date with Hannah lead to intercourse and/or kissing?
-What’s up with that Barry’s instructor? Will we see her again?
Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back! Where were we?
Ah, yes. Lindsay is crying in the bathroom because Carl handled their “breakup” with the casualness of someone canceling a playdate.
Women love to cry in bathrooms. I think it’s the mirrors. They see themselves crying and that encourages them to cry more. Men are always ashamed when they cry, you know?
Ever see a man in an interview start crying? He apologizes! “I’m sorry” he chokes out, trying to regain himself. Women find a nice shitter and rip through an entire roll of toilet paper, howling away, blotting and blubbering until I guess they’ve dried out their brains?
Downstairs, the rest of the gang preps dinner. Carl tells everyone that he and Lindsay are just friends now as he drinks Fireball straight from the bottle. Might as well put it in a paper bag and give up on life, Carl. Fireball features more prominently in this show than half the cast members.
At dinner, Jules tells us that her grandfather started a chili company called Gold Star Chili. I looked this up and they actually have 85 locations in Ohio and some neighboring states. It’s actually pretty impressive. I’m impressed Jules, very impressed. Hat tip to your grandpa.
Would I have made chili as a Hamptons summer dish? Probably not. Little heavy. More of a ski lodge meal. But hey, go with what works girl.
Across the table, Lindsay is staring daggers through Carl. He smiles goofily like some dad who doesn’t want the kids to know what just went down. As Jules and Jordan pontificate about the place they’re in, Carl makes some of the funniest fucking faces I’ve ever seen. I think he’s pretty smashed and I’m here for it. Drink up, Carl! Let the goose loose!
Except… now he’s over the edge, and far too much for the rest of the group. As a viewer at home under my blanket, I couldn’t be happier. But I can see why everyone else might be terrified.
Lindsay tries to get him to hydrate but Carl says “we’re friends,” which is kind of the worst thing he can say to her (and he knows it). She warns him not to activate her, which is the first time we learn that Lindsay has artificial intelligence components. Who knew? A robot on the show! So convincing too. Had me fooled.
Carl continues to FACE rosé without a care in the world. Lindsay understandably leaves the dinner and goes to cry in what looks like a medical supply closet as Carl dances in the living room.
At this point, everyone in the gang heads out for a night on the town. When they come back, Jules and Jordan head for the bedroom but who knows what they plan to accomplish. Carl, meanwhile, takes his shirt off in front of Luke and continues to self-destruct.
Apparently, Luke asked Barry’s trainer if she wanted to go rock-climbing. Seems like a normal thing to ask a fitness instructor. Carl disagrees, saying, “Don’t talk to a girl that another guy is talking to.”
It’s a strange rule that I’d never known, given that I’ve had multiple conversations in my life where I spoke to a woman with another man. They’re called “three-person conversations.” Come on, Carl! Something tells me these two alpha dogs are going to be snarling over the same bone in a moment…
It’s quite a performance from the big man. But you know who didn’t perform? Jordan, apparently. Jules says she feels bad for him. WHAT IS HAPPENING? Slinky noodle? I smell a slinky noodle.
The next morning, Carl tries to mend fences with Lindsay but he clearly brought the wrong tools. He says he’s sorry and that he blacked out, but he’s got that boyishly handsome grin on his face. It melts my heart but let’s not forget that Lindsay is immune to charm since she has a processor and a switchboard instead of a heart.
I’m kidding; Lindsay is in the right here. I’m just fearful of robots.
The house packs up and heads to the city for the week. Jules and Jordan have a nice dinner, Lindsay Facetimes her dad wearing her new blue-light blocking glasses, Kyle learns that Loverboy will be stocked in Whole Foods, and Hannah records her podcast with Drake Bell.
Hannah says that she only booked her pals on the pod at first, but as it’s grown, she’s been able to book real celebrities. I suspect it was around this period of major growth that I did her pod. That would make the most sense.
As Paige joins Hannah in the studio, Hannah brings her up to speed on the weekend she missed. Hannah also tells Paige she thinks her relationship with Armand is done. She’s excited about her date with Luke, where we find them just minutes later. He takes her to some galactic bowling arena with slides and shit. He’s also wearing a cool hat and looks like he knows government secrets. Honestly, I love playing games and arcades, and I also like Luke’s hat. Hannah seems sold, and so am I.
Things start to pick up steam as they rip some shots. Outside, everything seems to be working in his favor and it certainly seems like a smooch is impending. But at the last second, Hannah throws up the stiff-arm!
Yes girl!!!! Fuck yeah! Keep him hooked! This is the good stuff. Wow. Poor Luke though; I’m getting second-hand blueballs over here; testicles like a Miles Davis record.
And that’s a wrap on the week! Back to the Hamps, baby.
As everyone enters the house, there is residual tension from Carl’s antics last weekend. However, not for long, as the moment is interrupted by a rattling, throbbing, thunderous rumble. What… what is that? A tank? A dragon? NO, IT’S LUKE ON A MOTORCYCLE. HOOOLY FUCK! GET ME TO THE POOL! THE FORECAST CALLS FOR SQUIRTS!!!
Everyone runs outside, the girls leaving a wet trail behind them and the guys hopping uncomfortably around their erections. The excitement is palpable. It’s like when my dad used to return home from long business trips. We’d run to greet him, so happy he was home. Those were the days.
The house gears up for a divided night: the boys are heading out for boys’ night, and the girls are staying in for catfights and Italian food. In the boys’ car, Jordan tells everyone that Hannah ended things with Armand. Bombshell! Carl asks if Luke wants to date Hannah. He says “uncertain,” to which Carl replies that he’ll beat his ass if he messes with her. The loyalty to the women in this house is just all over the place. I can’t keep track.
The guys head to the batting cages to man up. They grease the wheels with a little chug-off, which is where the shit-talking between Carl and Luke starts. Needledick this, fat choad that—you know, grade school stuff.
The girls, meanwhile, play truth-or-dare. Amanda gets hit with a truth bomb: do you ever think about cheating on your significant other? She answers very tactfully, saying she imagines doing it just to let Kyle know how much he hurt her when he cheated.
Jules is then dared to have phone sex with Jordan. It seems like a good idea. Boners don’t transmit through the phone. Jules nails her part, and the boys—listening on the other side—are astounded. Jordan asks if he should get an Uber back to join her but it feels like a cursory offer. I just don’t believe in Jordan’s penis anymore.
Amanda then answers a truth question by saying she’d choose Jules to leave behind in a burning building. Two weeks ago, I would have cheered. But Jules has started to pull her own weight, and I love chili, especially after a long morning on the slopes. Amanda claims it’s because Jules is dating Jordan, whom Amanda doesn’t trust. But Jules counters by reminding her that Kyle cheated on her, so how does she trust him? DAMN JULES! YOU ARE GROWING ON ME!! KEEP IT UP GIRL!
Danielle arrives in the nick of time. These ladies were right on the verge of the pillow fight I’ve been preparing for. But before that, we cut back to the boys.
Carl keeps trying to increase the shit-talking. He shames Luke for drinking too slowly. Luke steps into the batter’s box and proceeds to whiff on every pitch while Carl chirps him from behind the fence. We all know where this is heading and I throw a bag of popcorn in the microwave just in time.
Carl tells Luke “you look like you’re an extra on the Warriors.” He probably means the gang from the 1979 cult classic The Warriors because Luke looks nothing like any of the current players on the roster for Golden State.
Luke responds and says, “That’s cool, I don’t change for anyone.”
Uh, wut? Way to drop heavy knowledge in a pretty basic roast battle. Carl’s throwing out casual appearance digs and Luke’s responding with fortune cookie philosophy. My head is spinning.
Then Carl opens the real can of worms and calls Luke out for his rock-climbing invitation to Barry’s instructor. Luke says, “I’m not trying to smash!” but I think he’s trying to smash, bro. Kyle then tells Luke he’s acting like a bitch.
Luke smiles and says he’s now going to try to smash, after all, and then we’ll see what’s up. At this, CARL GETS ANGRY. Oh boy oh boy oh boy. As Jordan tries to hold Carl back, the episode ends.
I can barely breathe. I cannot wait to be able to get some air back into my lungs with next week’s episode.