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How’s working from home going so far?
Do you have pants on?
That’s cute, you eager beaver. Give it time. You’ll shed pants like humans shed tails. It’s called adaptive evolution.
Lucky for you, I’ve been doing this work from home thing since Bush was in office and not to brag, but I’ve have mastered the art of Doing The Bare Minimum.
Heed the following advice to seamlessly assimilate to your new normal in the current climate.
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DO: Snooze your alarm a minimum of four (4) times.
DO NOT: Worry, you can always pick up lost time by not brushing your teeth.
DO: Wake up with an irreversible cowlick.
DO NOT: Do a thing about it.
DO: Take a morning pee sitting down while mindlessly scrolling social media.
DO NOT: Get up until your legs fall asleep.
DO: Walk by your home office and plop on the couch with your work computer in a position that puts maximum stress on your lower back.
DO NOT: See a chiropractor until you’re 65 and have already developed scoliosis and can’t get out of bed without an opioid.
DO: Eat lunch at 10:30 am.
DO NOT: Count the entire box of Cheez-Its you housed at 9 am. Calories and trans-fat don’t register in a WFH setting.
DO: Go for a two hour walk in the middle of the day for absolutely no reason.
DO NOT: Tell anyone why.
DO: Move your computer mouse intermittently throughout the day to ensure your Slack status remains “Available.”
DO NOT: Make yourself available.
DO: Call into the all-hands conference call in your underwear.
DO NOT: Take your phone off mute unless you want your colleagues to hear Steps Brothers on TNT and the Joe Rogan podcast playing simultaneously.
DO: Fight the urge to masturbate.
DO NOT: Kid yourself. You’ve probably already started.
DO: Stop masturbating now please.
DO NOT: heed this advice. You’re a runaway train. There’s no turning back.
I’ll wait.
DO: Send one (1) work-related email. Make sure to Cc: more colleagues than necessary to posture about your productivity.
DO NOT: Mention that you just finished whackin’ it.
DO: Smoke a mid-day cigarette.
DO NOT: Admit to yourself that you may be addicted.
DO: Start a home repair project your wife has resented you for putting off.
DO NOT: Finish it.
DO: Shit with the door open.
DO NOT: Wash your hands. You’re not going anywhere.
DO: Sing the chorus to a song you hate at the top of your lungs for the entire day.
DO NOT: Acknowledge how much your neighbors hate you.
DO: Loudly fart at your leisure.
DO NOT: Be too trusting.
DO: Quit working at exactly 5 pm and launch yourself into a panic for the rest of the night about not doing anything of substance for the entire day.
DO NOT: Change your behavior unless you are threatened with losing your job.
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Carpe diem, friends.