The Tom Cruise And Norm MacDonald Conspiracy Theory From The NLDS Is Hard Not To Buy Into

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In the hours following Norm MacDonald’s death, Anthony Jeselnik poetically tweeted: “Battling cancer for 9 years without telling anyone is the most Norm Macdonald shit ever.”

When the culture collectively went down the Norm YouTube rabbit hole, some were convinced Norm planted a brilliant posthumous punchline in an offhanded joke after his diagnosis, which would be Extremely Norm.

Welp, as evidenced in Saturday night’s Game 2 of the NLDS, our imaginations simply could not grasp the incalculable artistry of Norm MacDonald because the man seemingly traded in his sweatpants and hoodie to morph into the most successful actor of our generation.

“Tom Cruise,” whose been the butt of a few of Norm’s Weekend Update jokes, showed up to Oracle Park to watch the Dodgers trounce the Giants 9-2 to even the series. Many on the internet made a point of his “puffy” appearance, but if I look this good at 59 years old, I must’ve given up every vice I currently rely on to be happy.

Until I’m shown contradictory evidence, I choose to believe that Norm MacDonald is now living life as Tom Cruise and the real Tom Cruise has been taken prisoner by David Miscavige.

People have believed in crazier things. Like Scientology.


Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.