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Hi my name is Matt and I am one of the two million American men who watch The Bachelorette and wears a bathing suit in public showers.
After years of lying about watching Monday Night Football, I’ve finally mustered the strength to admit that nothing fills my soul quite like a glass of white paired with a strategically-plotted charcuterie board, strapping gentlemen prematurely invested in a complete stranger, and no less than a dozen advertisements for ABC’s The Good Doctor.
Every week, my wife and I slip into our least sexy clothes, plop down on opposite ends of the couch, toss on ABC, and simultaneously fight the urge to feel like we’ve settled with each other.
My wife—the kind soul she is—knows not to voice her pulsating attraction to the contestants so as to avoid denting the fragile delusion of machismo her husband has dreamed up for himself.
But last night, as the endless stream of able-bodied men with Uncle Jesse hair emerged from their limousines, my bride was moved to break this unspoken agreement and offer her list of Top 5 Hotties from Season 16 of The Bachelorette, my self-worth be damned.
Without further ado, let’s trash these hot tools.
5. Ben, 29
ABC
Hey Ben, you think you can go one button higher on that clearance rack Banana Republic shirt? The public isn’t quite convinced you’ve never listened to hip-hop.
Excuse my ignorance here Ben, but I thought guys like you only existed in stock images for white privilege.
I’ll tell you what, Benny. If your testicles are half the size of your Adam’s apple, I’ll step aside and let my wife move into your Nantucket summer home. Fair is fair.
ABC
P.S. Thank you for your service.
4. Demar, 26, Spin Cycling Instructor
ABC
Nothing quite gets the panties dropping like a man who teaches biking in place for a living. Hey Demar, can you teach me how to ride a bike that doesn’t require balance or protective gear, I’ve taken one too many mushrooms and can’t figure out where to put my flippers.
Truly dope shirt, man. I didn’t know Kohl’s had a ‘Well-Meaning Dad On Christmas Eve‘ aisle. Did it come with a bikini-body apron, you silly goose!
*Ring, ring*
One sec, Demar.
….
……
……….
Chris Angel called. He wants his face pubes back.
3. Chasen, 31, IT Account Executive
ABC
Chasen, huh?
Must be a tough name to enter into a fantasy football league with but a very easy name to get a bank loan with.
Hey Chasen, what’s the IT in IT Executive stand for? Inherited Trust?
Credit to your mother, Chasen. Child birth is tough, but I can’t imagine how difficult it is to give birth to a baby with a silver spoon in its mouth. Ouchie!
Good luck in the competition, Chasen. And remember, whatever happens, I’m sure daddy will make it right.
2. Dale, 31, Former Pro Football Wide Receiver
ABC
Wikipedia
Allen, don’t do it to him.
Dale, sounds like the only fantasy team you’ll ever be on is my wife’s. Mutual boom roast!
1. Brandon, 28, Real Estate Agent, Cleveland, Ohio
ABC
Hey Brandon,
….
…….
…………….
Can I have a lock of your hair?
At least let me smell your face?
I want to be with you, you poreless specimen.
You may be the only person I’d even move to Cleveland for. We can get a nice little flat in downtown next to the Hardee’s. You can teach me your skin routines and how you get your hair like that and I’ll teach you how us mere mortals live.
I will leave my wife tomorrow. It appears she’d be fine with it.