What if ‘American Pie’ Took Place in 2014?

This past Friday night I had two hours to kill before meeting friends at a bar.

It just so happened that right as my Thai food arrived (I am a lonely, single woman) American Pie was starting on TV. What a perfect coincidence, I thought. I have two hours. This movie is two hours. I will laugh and drink beer and be happy.

But almost immediately in, I couldn’t stop laughing. Not because of how funny it was, but because of how dated and absurd the premise is now. American Pie came out in 1999. Think about how much has changed. This was a time when your parents gave you the family cell phone to take with you on Friday night. Televisions were two feet thick. But most importantly, alcohol, sex and high schoolers were not the cultural flashpoint they are today. Just imagine if Jezebel got a hold of an email between Kevin, Jim, Oz and Finch.

“These Four High School Seniors Will Do ANYTHING To Fuck Unwitting Females Teenagers Before They Graduate.”

MSNBC would pick up the story and then the TODAY Show would bring Vicky on and she would talk about how she dumped Kevin because he wasn’t okay with only getting blowjobs, then tricked her into getting back together with him by promising phenomenal oral sex. (A technique which, I might add, he learned from a sex manual hidden inside the school’s library. The East Great Falls High Rape Guide, the media would instantly brand it as.) That shit would dominate the national news for a month.

And that’s just ONE SCENE from the whole movie. So I thought I’d take a look at the entire plot and see what would happen if American Pie occurred in the internet-era.*

* Keep in mind that if this truly was 2013, these four guys wouldn’t be worrying about their virginity because sophomore year they all would have gone to one of those parties where the girls are wearing color-coded bracelets that correlate with what sex acts they are willing to perform. Instead, the four of them would be making a pact to get as many nude photos as they could from girls so they could launch an anonymous Tumblr.

The movie opens with a party at Stifler’s house. Vicky is giving Kevin head upstairs and the issue of where he ejaculates is not up for discussion. It’s 2013, they are seniors in high school and they have been dating for some time. But instead of swallowing, because she’s a little nauseous from drinking, Vicky spits Kevin’s load in his beer.

“What the fuck?” Kevin says. “That was my beer.”

That’s right when Stifler comes in and, being a dick, immediately takes a huge slug from the cup Vicky is holding. Unable to control their laughter, they tell the entire party.

Stifler hangs himself in his bathroom two days later.

Now, there’s nowhere to have the epic post-prom party.

Upon discovering the news, our four intrepid 17-year-olds get together. While updating their Twitters about Stifler’s death “OMG #RIPSteve,” they enter into a pact to get laid one last time to honor their perverted friend whose favorite thing was banging bitches.

Oz has had his eyes on Mena Suvari (Heather, I think her name was) for some time. However, he does not join jazz choir to impress her. He’s already in jazz choir, the stigma behind singing having been eliminated a few years ago by Glee. But he’s never told her that it’s his favorite show. When he finally does, Mena Suvari invites him to her house for a “Best of Cory Monteith ” marathon that concludes with the last episode he was in where he sang, I don’t know, Katy Perry or some shit. Mena Suvari blows him afterward.

Meanwhile, Jim’s dad catches him jacking off. Instead of bringing him pornography, he and Jim’s mother take him to a psychotherapist. There, Jim’s given a prescription for Adderall to combat his overactive imagination. This is why Nadia comes to his house. Not for tutoring lessons. She wants to buy Adderall. Kevin and Finch still set up a webcam in Jim’s room, telling him that when she asks how much, he should point to his dick. (Watching your friends have sex is VERY in in 2013.) The link to access the webcam still gets accidentally sent to the whole school and everyone watches as Jim accidentally loses his load twice before Nadia ever touches his dick.

When he gets to school the next day and realizes the whole world watched his multiple premature ejaculations (it got forwarded to Gawker and already has 450,000 views on YouTube), he commits suicide. With Stifler and Jim dead thanks to repulsive actions by the student body, the school cancels prom.

Meanwhile, Oz is still conflicted about whether to play in the BIG lacrosse game or sing at the regional jazz choir competition. He tells his mother about the dilemma and she lobbies the school board to have the events rescheduled because boys of Oz’s age should not be forced to make tough choices about their life. Mena Suvari comes to the lacrosse game then drives Oz to the (now-delayed) choral competition. The two of them do it after they win.

With prom night off the table as an option for their first time, Kevin and Vicky have sex in the back of his car. To persuade her, Kevin talks about the emotional struggle he’s been through—what with the death of his two best friends—and how he feels he needs to live in the moment. Going through his texts a week later, Vicky sees he told Oz about how well this line worked and how Oz should try it, too. Feeling used, she tells Kevin she’s thinking of pursuing charges against him.

At the wake at her house for her son, Stifler’s mom encounters Finch and takes him upstairs. When Finch’s dad walks in on them having sex, he has her arrested for statutory rape.

The end.

It’s a dark comedy.