Anthony Bourdain has no reservations about letting his opinions known on fellow culinary stars. Guy Fieri to Anthony Bourdain is what Richard Milhouse Nixon was to Hunter S. Thompson. He loathes him. He despises him. Everything about Guy’s existence pisses Anthony Bourdain off. When Guy Fieri opened Guy’s American Bar and Kitchen in Times Square restaurant in 2012, Bourdain held no punches in his hate:
I’m fascinated by the Guy Fieri terror-dome they just opened up. 600 seats, something like that? 600 seats. And a gift shop. And all of these poor diners, drives and whatever, douchebags waddle in there. First of all, he single handedly turned the neighborhood into the Ed Hardy district which I’m a little pissed off about…But all of these poor bastards see him eating cheap food on TV, they go in there and it’s what $18? For a f*cking hamburger? The french fries are like $12? By the time you buy a drink you’re out of there for what? I tell you what [Ed. note: I like that he talks like Hank Hill], that guy has set back spelling like two decades. All these kids trying to spell “kewl” with a K.
Bourdain hates the food stars of the proletariat, especially after his public beef war with Scripps in 2012 when No Reservations was pulled from the Travel Channel’s line-up. In an recently-published interview with Atlanta Magazine, Bourdain went in on Guy again, wondering if he can “de-douche” as an adult in his ’50s.
“The minute that you become a father, certain truths become immediately obvious to you. The first second you see your daughter’s head corkscrew out of the womb and open her eyes, they are pretty much saying ‘Lose the Ramones shirt.’
So I’ve made some adjustments in my life. So I sort of feel in a heartfelt way for Guy [Fieri]. I wonder about him. He’s 52 years old and still rolling around in the flame outfit… What does he do? How does Guy Fieri de-douche?”
And then he fired more snarky shots at Adam Richman, the star of the Travel Channel’s Man Vs. Food.
“Why did we watch [Man vs. Food]? Admit it. You wanted him to die.” Bourdain added that during his travels, he noticed that the show was popular in countries like Yemen, Iran, Libya, and Afghanistan. “The show confirms their worst suspicions—that Americans are fat, lazy, slothful, [and] wasteful.” Bourdain then imagined a poor goat herder in the mountains of Afghanistan sitting in front of an old television after a long, hard days work and watching Richman choking on more animal protein than the farmer’s family would ever see in years. “I know what he’s thinking, ‘America is a terrible place. I want to join ISIS.’”
You can’t hate Bourdain for speaking his mind, but what a smug, hipster prick thing to say. Adam Richman is the man. And he makes damn good egg sandwiches. Sorry it’s not some elitist concoction with Kobe wagyu bone marrow and ika nigiri, but it’s good enough to cure a fucking hangover.
But at least he’s consistent with his hate. After all, he’s been railing on them both for years. Like this talk in Houston in 2012:
On Alan Richman: “I still don’t like the son of a bitch.”
On Martha Stewart: “She will shank a bitch.”
“If Ed Hardy fucked a juggalo,” the product would by Guy Fieri, said Bourdain, before musing on how the Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives chef will age. “How is Fieri de-douched? Does he turn down the flames on his sleeves sloooowly?”
So who in food television does Anthony Bourdain actually like? Ina Garten, one of the Food network personalities who he said “can actually cook.” Basically, Bourdain just pulled a “fuck you, fuck you, you’re cool, I’m out” of the food television world.
I think the three of them should sit in a room with a bottle of tequila, a massive platter of deep fried foods with some fucking donkey sauce, and work out their differences. Or have something like a Celebrity Deathmatch between them. Winner has to get their hair bleached and sit in a locked room listening to Smash Mouth’s “All Star” for a week.
I think we know who would win this battle. Food Bros > Food hipsters….