The Black List is released at the end of every year. It’s an annual ranking of “Hollywood’s most promising yet-to-be-produced screenplays.” It’s also a running list of the craziest shit that almost became films.
The Black List 2015 is now available and it’s chock full of movies we’d absolutely go see and some stuff that’s batshit absurd. After going over the entire list, here are the best and the worst scripts floating around Hollywood.
The Best Scripts We’d Totally Watch As Movies
Bubbles: A baby chimp is adopted by the pop star Michael Jackson. Narrating his own story, Bubbles the Chimp details his life within The King of Pop’s inner circle through the scandals that later rocked Jackson’s life and eventually led to Bubbles’ release. COMMENT: Is this like that movie about the OJ Simpson murders but through the eyes of a dog? Did they have to get rid of Bubbles because he “saw too much”? “Why does that monkey keep pointing at his crotch and doing the Moonwalk?”
Cut and Run: A female urologist and a retired hooker form an unlikely friendship when they team up to take down a notorious sex trafficker in Miami. COMMENT: Two people who know a lot about dicks become private ones. I’m sold.
Stronger: The true story of Jeff Bauman, who lost his legs in the 2013 Boston Marathon bombing and became an integral part of helping the police locate the Tsarnaev brothers. COMMENT: Because fuck those assholes.
True Fan: After interfering with a foul ball during a Chicago Cubs playoff game, Steve Bartman was tortured and stalked by die hard Cub fans for potentially costing them their first National League pennant since 1945. Years later, in a new town with a new identity—but depressed, overweight and working a dead end job— Steve meets a woman who gives him a new lease on life and reason to live. COMMENT: Is this real life? Did that actually happen? Not the foul ball part, the woman part. Either way, I’m interested.
White Boy Rick: The true story of Richard Wershe, Jr., the only successful white boy gangster/drug kingpin in an African American dominated 1980’s Detroit ghetto. COMMENT: Fuck yes!
The Fisherman: A fisherman sails out of Martha’s Vineyard in search of the shark that killed his fellow sailors while they were stranded in the water for four days after their ship was attacked by a Japanese submarine. COMMENT: Fuck yes, but can we rename it White Shark Rick?
Pandemonium: A local Phoenix newscaster at the pinnacle of local celebrity slowly descends into the depths of madness while trying to become a game show host in Los Angeles. COMMENT: Um, yeah sure.
Bare Knuckle: New York City 1862: The bare knuckle boxing champion, Bad Jack, develops a crush on a common French girl and uses his political influence to send her Irish lumberman husband off to the Civil War so he can take her for his own. Unfortunately for Bad Jack, the Irishman doesn’t die in the war and t comes back a killer looking to exact revenge on the pugilist and his entire corrupt entourage. COMMENT: Only if this involves Tom Hardy.
The Worst Scripts That Don’t Need To Be Made
Rocket: Roger “The Rocket” Clemens, one of the greatest pitchers of all time, has 4672 strikeouts, 354 wins and a record 7 Cy Young awards. This is the story of why he is not in the Hall of Fame. NOTE: Um, we pretty much all know why he’s not in the Hall of Fame.
Miss Sloane: A powerful lobbyist sacrifices her career on Capitol Hill so she can push through an amendment enforcing stricter federal laws regulating guns. COMMENT: Oh brother.
Reagan: When Ronald Reagan falls into dementia at the start of his second term, an ambitious intern is tasked with convincing the commander-in-chief that he is an actor playing the president in a movie. COMMENT: Oh brother, part two.
Move That Body: Five friends rent a beach house in Miami for a bachelorette weekend and accidentally kill a male stripper. COMMENT: How do you…nevermind.
Senior Year: A cheerleader wakes up after a twenty year coma and returns to sit at the cool table and try to become prom queen, as a thirty seven year-old woman. COMMENT: Why would she have to…nevermind.
To see the entire Black List 2015, and come to the realization that anything works as a fucking movie these days, click here.