UFC Heavyweight Fighter Derrick Lewis Aggressively Tweets About The Dangers Of Ass Eating

Tossing salad is like crying during Armageddon–even if you’ve done it, you’re not going to admit it to your friends. This is understandable, as eating butthole isn’t something the rational human can explain, it’s 100% animalistic impulse and 200% sanitarily repulsive. You’re probably sitting next to a closet fart box eater right now who desperately wants to share his story but fears that society will take a poop in his mouth.

Shit, sorry. I hate to do this, but we must pause for a brief message from our sponsor.


Back to that dude next to you who is afraid to come out as a blizzard brownie eater due to the suffocating constraints of society. Tell that dude I got some good news. Heavyweight UFC fighter Derrick Lewis, more commonly known as ‘The Black Beast,’ just sent out a tweet about licking the copper penny as openly as you or I would tweet out a Harambe meme, thus solidifying himself as the voice of the voiceless.

Sidenote: pink eye is one of the worst ailments you can have because no matter what your story is, everyone’s going to choose to believe that someone farted in your face.

Now that we’re on the subject, #neverforget back in 2012 when alleged leaked text messages from (my #1) Olivia Munn to Chris Pine took butt sexting to a whole new level.


“slide your raw, perfect d*ck inside my tight, wet, warm pu$$y that i’ve saved just for you…lick my tight a$$hole and choke me.”

Go get ’em this year, Aaron!

[h/t Deadspin]

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Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.