DJ Khaled With His Shirt Off May Be The Only Comfort I Have In Taking My Shirt Off At The Beach This Summer

Summer is here. If you’re already fat, you’re only going to get fatter. I went to the beach last weekend and approached taking my shirt off with the same hesitation I do checking my bank account the Monday after a bachelor party. I legit almost claimed I had a debilitating sunburn to snake out of showing the bloated atrocity that is my body. I’m built like a fucking ice cream sandwich. Absolutely zero definition. I didn’t want to see DJ Khaled with his shirt off, I needed to. I needed a reminder that success is attainable when you look like you’re one burrito away from a stranger asking if you want a seat on the subway. DJ Khaled looks like shit. Probably hasn’t been able to tuck in his shirt comfortably since Clinton was President. But one thing’s for sure: Khaled fucks.

And that simple fact is what keeps me going.

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.