One of these days — and I don’t know how soon but I’d be willing to wager it’s by the year 2050 — someone will discover a breakthrough in the concept of time travel. This invention will throw the entire human race into a transcendent state of disbelief and celebration, the likes of which we can’t even fathom in the present, and threaten to shatter the modern world as we know it.
Think of what Steve Jobs and Apple did for the globe and magnify that by about a million times. OK, fine, that wasn’t fair at all — make it an even billion.
Just imagine if the stuff in Hot Tub Time Machine 2, in theaters February 20, were possible in real life. You know who else would want to travel forward? The people still competing for the World’s Largest Hot Tub Party. They want to move ahead in time to see if they won! You’ll want to move ahead in time to see if you won, too! Even if you can’t win the party, you can still qualify to go to the party. All you have to do is click HERE to vote for your favorite photo. That vote counts as an entry to either attend the most epic hot tub party or some cold hard cash. There are three prizes you can win just for voting — the top prize is two VIP tickets to the epic hot tub party plus $2500 spending cash, the second prize is $1000 to throw your own party and the third prize is $500 to throw your own party.
Whenever the whole time travel thing happens, people are going to want to travel with companions. No one wants to travel into the unknown alone. Imagine being able to pick your time travel pals exclusively from travelers who’ve done it all before. Here are ten time-traveling bros we’d go back through time with:
The International Man of Mystery is not only a world-class spy; he’s also a top-notch time-traveler. He’s so dedicated to the craft that he’s willing to float through space and time in both directions – forward, then backwards, then forward, then backwards one last time. All the while, he falls into the laps of Elizabeth Hurley, Heather Graham and Beyonce. Oh yea, and he keeps skipping over the 1980s Thankfully, these guys caught the error in his ways…
Adam, Jacob, Nick, and Lou from ‘Hot Tub Time Machine’
It’s fair to let AP hold the top spot on this list, but his time-traveling devices are just plain weak compared to that old ski resort hot tub that warps these four guys from the miserable modern day back to the wonderful world of 1986. It’s actually shocking nobody else had thought up this concept before 2010, but I guess nostalgia takes two full decades to truly kick in.
Nonetheless, the result is an epic masterpiece in time-traveling debauchery full of all sorts of crazed sex plots and way-too-bright ski apparel.
Phil Connors from ‘Groundhog Day’
You might be thinking right now: Bill Murray doesn’t travel through time in Groundhog Day, and in most instances you’d be right.
Yes, he doesn’t skip through time – decade to decade – like Austin Powers and the Hot Tub guys, but Murray’s arrogant TV weatherman definitely gets a brutal, crash course in what time really means and how very painful it can be – especially if you’re stuck reliving the same moment in a time loop.
It’s a high-wire concept that could have easily just crashed and burned, but writer-director Harold Ramis (Rest in Peace, by the way) infuses it with plenty of humility to make regurgitating the same plot points over and over again very much worth our time.
And, of course, having Bill Murray in your corner always helps your cause.
The Terminator from ‘T-2: Judgment Day’ (if we’re picking just one)
I had to mull this one over in my head for a minute before settling on Arnold Schwarzenegger’s iconic indestructible cyborg. There’s another character in this film — the T-1000 (played tremendously by Robert Patrick) — that easily could have fit here, but do to a lack of screen time and dialogue just couldn’t make the cut.
The next logical question is what about the Connors? Why didn’t they make the cut here instead of Arnold? First, Sarah is way too butch for my liking. Second, John is a little too wimpy for my liking. And third, and most important, “I’ll be back.”
I’ll be fucking back — that’s like the holy grail of time-traveling movies, isn’t it?
(And yes, I’m aware he drops that line in the first one. The second one is just better, OK. Can’t we just agree on that already?)
Dr. Emmett Brown from ‘Back to the Future’
Similar to the last one, I had an eternal debate before settling on Christopher Lloyd’s genius turn as Dr. Brown – the inventor of cinema’s most famous car, the DeLorean. While Marty McFly is undoubtedly a bro who’s worth having a few rounds with as you discuss the concept of time travel, his eccentric traveling friend would definitely be better for the actual ride.
Plus, doesn’t Marty (Michael J. Fox) get just a tad annoying by the end of the trilogy? It’s one of those movie trilogies where we all knew they’d make a third one – hell, they didn’t even wait for the second to wrap production before they started, but we all sensed that there would be a drop off at some point.
Sure enough, the third installment did not disappoint by disappointing fans of the series — what else is new in Hollywood?
Spock from ‘Star Trek’
If you didn’t enjoy the scene between Chris Pine’s Captain Kirk and Leonard Nimoy’s Spock Prime or Zachary Quinto’s modern-day Spock and Spock Prime, then I might have to come to your house and check your pulse.
Of course, you could just be a sci-fi hater, but why then would you be reading this list?
In case you need an explanation as to why Spock would make it on this list, then here’s your video evidence.
Bill and Ted from ‘Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey’
Props to Keanu Reeves for being the time travel king, by the way. I’m really surprised they didn’t try and cast him for the upcoming Hot Tub Time machine sequel — or the upcoming fifth Terminator movie. He seems like a natural dude to transcend the bounds of time.
Anyways, this action-adventure-comedy is probably definitely the worst movie on the list but there’s something very enjoyable about two TV characters making it on the big screen…in 1991.
Nowadays, that happens every single month but back then it was really a stretch – a revelation, if you will. And sure enough, this dynamic duo didn’t disappoint there loyal fan base with this whacky sci-fi misadventure that’s almost too similar to T-2. Hey, they came out the same year!
Joe from ‘Looper’
I hate to do this, but Keanu Reeves can I have that crown back?
I jumped the gun on that last one: Bruce Willis is absolutely, undoubtedly the king of time-travel movies. If you haven’t seen Looper or Twelve Monkeys, those are must-rent flicks for this weekend. Honestly, it was hard not to throw Willis’ convict-turned-missionary James Cole — or Brad Pitt’s psychotic terrorist leader Jeffrey Goines (an Oscar-worthy performance) — under the bus, but sometimes choices have to be made when creating lists about Hollywood’s greatest time travelers.
I’ve come to respect Looper’s brilliance too much in the last year to leave it off. From Willis and Joseph Gordon’s Levitt duel performance as Joe to Rian Johnson’s direction, this crime-sci-fi genre blend is everything I want in a movie, and more
As far as the character is concerned, like the Terminator, Joe is the type of bro who’d have your back in any situation — the same can’t be said for any of the characters in Twelve Monkeys. As always is the message with director Terry Gilliam, nobody can be truly trusted.
Wolverine from ‘X-Men Days of Future Past’
Talk about a chill and loyal bro who would be great to grab a beer with in any era — how did it take so long for us to get to Hugh Jackman’s beastly rendition of the most famous of all mutant comic-book characters? Well, for starters, I loathe the way director Bryan Singer used his biggest star in the latest version of the X-Men series.
As good as the rest of the cast is in this film (three Oscar winners, four nominees), Jackman’s the only actor who can say he was born to play the role he was cast into. Nonetheless, we have to sit through two and a half hours of the moody Charles Xavier and his egomaniac nemesis/friend Magneto as they chase around the femme fatale, Jennifer Lawrence’s Mystique.
Sure, you can still argue Wolverine is the main star of the show, but he’s merely a wide receiver who’s catching balls only when they’re thrown to him; rather than playing his natural position as a pass rusher, who should disturb each and every play with his penchant for narcissistic violence. We got a taste for it in this otherwise pleasurable spinoff, but not nearly enough.
This ones really a bonus because what bro would really seek to go through time with Jake Gyllenhaal’s troubled teen? Nonetheless, it’s my favorite film in the concept of time-travel and portals. And yes, he does do that here — you might just have to watch it a few times.
Again, going through a wild, time-tripping maze full of sadistic bunny rabbits might not be all that pleasure, but it doesn’t make for excellent conversation about the subject of time and how we, but shouldn’t, fuck with it.