After abstaining from sex for a year until marriage, Russell Wilson wasted no time in unlocking that chastity belt, dusting off that dick, and impregnating his beautiful wife Ciara. Reports indicate that the pregnancy was the cause of sexual relations, but at this point, I wouldn’t be surprised if Russell used a turkey baster to insert his baby batter into Ciara. Because in my mind, Russell views sex as merely a means to an end. No one who actually wants to have sex immediately has baby sex. This is evidence that Russell probably doesn’t get aroused from seeing his goddess wife naked, he instead gets a chubby while scrolling the Babies *R Us website trying to pick out cutesie wallpaper. Don’t get me wrong, Russell seems like–by all standards of measurement–a good man, a better man than I, but also seems like the type of dude who is rattled by the ‘Above the Influence’ commercials and believes pot kills. I don’t care if he’s Jesus Christ reincarnated, that guy can go stick his dick in the sand.
