The Season Premiere of ‘Girls’ Reviewed By a Guy Who Has Never Seen the Show

by 5 years ago

Because of this propensity of mine, I've never seen the current cultural phenomenon that is HBO's Girls. But the Season Three premiere was yesterday and I thought it would be fun to—context be damned—check in on Lena Dunham and her band of angsty-merrymakers as they struggle with the difficult transition from adulthood to more adulthood.

Here are my thoughts.


The plot of this special one-hour premiere is that Lena Dunham has to pick up her friend from rehab—the Fellowship of the Promise Ring, only if Frodo had been more concerned about everyone knowing how hard his walk to Mordor was than actually saving Middle Earth. Follow along on this epic journey as Dunham does things like sit in a car, eat at a diner and sleep in a hotel room.

Such fascinate.


Since I am required to stay slightly versed in cultural happenings, I know LENA DUNHAM'S BOOBS™ are a point of contention. Are LENA DUNHAM'S BOOBS™ the kind of boobs we want our children to be seeing? Should we be showing our children different, possibly more pert boobs?

LENA DUNHAM'S BOOBS™ were on display almost immediately last night. They seemed fine. That's not what bothered me about them. What did is that Lena Dunham directs this show. Say what you want about Michael Bay; Transformers didn't have 19 different shots of his dick. That's directorial restraint.

This is set in a fucking coffee shop?

I didn't really know where I expected Girls to take place, but I was floored to see it was set in a coffee shop. Stunned. Really? A coffeeshop? How are we allowed to call this show profound when it uses the same set ex machina as fucking Friends?

Oh, but they have beer taps there? v 2014.

Is Adam Asian?

I think so. If he isn't, why do they keep making him look like he is. Oh, maybe Lena Dunham's in an interracial relationship? You never know with this #edgy show. 

No one uses the word cum in real life

Everywhere. There is cum everywhere in this show. No gentleman or lady, in their right mind, would use the phrase 'cum'  when a proper euphemism would suffice. Like when you are about to have sex in front of another person. 

“I can't sleep unless I get off,” is the way dignified people plead for sex.

In real life, if someone said 'cum' this frequently you would never speak to them again.

Fuck this meta-self-awareness

Everyone in this show is so self-aware. It's like Lena Dunham slapping me in the face for 30 straight minutes screaming “I READ CARL JUNG! I READ CARL JUNG.”But the last thing I need is 30 straight minutes of being slapped in the face about how self-aware 20-somethings are these days. Taking one post-modern theory class in college does not make you a better person. It makes you a person.

Also, fuck art

Lena Dunham is writing an e-book. A FUCKING E-BOOK. I could not think of a more pointless and fruitless endeavor than an e-book from a 24-year-old. Oh wait, I can. It's a guy who makes Papier Mâché shit (papier. papier Fuck French spellings).  

Look just because you can't function in modern society does not make you a misunderstood artist. You are just poor and weird. You should know this. You are in a show dedicated to self-aware-ity.

Is this show a parody of itself?

I can't tell. Girls alternates between being awesomely earnest and incomprehensibly stupid. “Oh, but that's just what life is like,” is something I'm sure Lena Dunham said about her show. “In that way, it's a meta-criticism of itself.” That's so fucking pseudo-Brooklyn-profound of you, you struggling AR-TEEST. Fuck that.

Also everyone's tattoos in this show suck.

Grade: B+

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[Image via HBO]

TAGSgirls with tattoosLena Dunham