D-O-Double G. Honestly, there are a lot of people in this world that are pretty expendable. The guy who invented the Panera bread bowl. Flo from Progressive. Larry the Cable Guy. Like, sure, they’re all ok people who have done their part, but we don’t need them. Guys like Snoop Dogg, we need them. Desperately. A world without Snoop is like a world without water. It just can’t successfully sustain itself.
And I’m not talking about his music. Sure, loudly singing ‘Gin And Juice’ in someone’s basement while sipping on warm beers you scrounged up from the side of the road is a rite of passage for all 16 year-old white males, but I feel as if it’s easily replaceable by any other mindless song about a mixed drink. No, we need him for the dumb shit he does. Like throw out the second worst opening pitch of all time or lose in ‘Celebrity Family Feud’ over a question about weed.
The real loser here is obviously Steve Harvey. Dude was pumped about Snoop getting that. He had viral gold just sitting there. I bet he even had his follow-up joke ready. “Yeah yeah you know I knew you had that one!! Yuck yuck yuck!! Snoop ready!! Snoop ready!!” That just ruined Harvey’s entire month. In his defense, though, what the fuck answer did Snoop hit him with? “Put some hands on him”? I don’t even think he knew what he was talking about. The dude’s entire mantra is “smoke as much weed as humanly possible.” If Snoop had been in Beast’s castle when the witch came and turned all his servants into household items, he would have become the fireplace. Imagine if all the women he’s slept with hit him when he smoked up on some Devil Grass? He’d be one big walking bruise. I once was at a party where Snoop performed and by that I mean he literally just stood on stage and played other people’s music from his iPod. How can someone like that say a woman would hit her man if she found him getting a little high? I think we all know what he really meant. “Lay those hands down on him” aka fuck. Old people don’t fuck nearly enough. Who knows if they’re waking up tomorrow? I don’t. You gotta visit poundtown as often as possible. If a little haze loosens them up, then so be it. I’m not the cops.