I’ll be the first to admit that I’m by no means the luckiest guy when it comes to love. All of my trysts into trying to find someone to turn the house that is my heart into a home have gone over pretty horribly. They all pretty much fall somewhere between “If I was going to text her that dead baby joke at 3 AM on a Saturday, I probably should have made sure that I included vowels and not followed it up 3:04 AM with a picture of my hog” and “It’s a shame this girl that seems to love me also wants me to stop wearing condoms so she can drop out of college to have a baby and force me to start a family with her.” Yes, for those of you wondering, both of those have happened. One happened twice. I’ll let you guess which. Why do you think I applied to be ‘The Bachelor’ like six times already?
So, understandably, stories of true love usually leave a bad taste in my mouth. Mostly because it just makes me more and more nervous that I missed my chance to find Mrs. Right and will have to spend the rest of my days beating it until I go blind. Then I’ll have to hire someone who I can’t even see to come over and beat it for me. However, despite my initial feelings, this story from Stephen Colbert about how he met his wife is an exception to that rule. Mostly because I love Colbert and he’s a natural storyteller. But also, it gives me a little hope that I won’t end up blind and hiring people to jerk me off because I can’t find my dick to do it myself.