Earlier this week, True Detective creator Nic Pizzolatto leaked some more details about the highly anticipated second season, most notably the number of leads and the show’s location. Season 2 will be set “in California, not Los Angeles but lesser-known venues in California”. In regards to casting, the rumors indicate that there will be three leads this season – a “fortysomething male detective, a twentysomething male cop, and a thirtysomething female detective.” Some outlets contend that there will still only be two leads, both male, but Pizzolatto himself said, “The characters are all new, but I’m deeply in love with each of them”.
I feel like if there were only two leads he would have used the word “both” instead of “each”, but I’m also the guy at the poker table who will make plays “based on his gut” instead of actual insight, so what do I know?
Veteran – Robert Downey Jr. / Young Gun – Jake Gyllenhaal // Chick – Catherine Zeta-Jones
I feel like people are gonna hate on my Gyllenhaal pick a little bit, so I teamed him up with two people that would boss the shit out of him just to appease the masses. Also, I know Catherine Zeta is like 86-years-old in human years, so wouldn’t qualify for a “thritysomething”, but she’s like 33 in hot years so she certainly makes the cut.
Veteran – Lester Freamon / Young Gun – Jimmy McNulty // Chick – Kima Greggs /// Villian – Random Drug Dealer played by up-and-coming black actor
I know what you’re thinking: “But Jimmy T, those aren’t their real names.” And also, “Fuck yes!” Little known fact about The Wire: nobody has a real name outside of the show except for Idris Elba. Omar isn’t “Michael K. Williams” in real life, he’s just Omar. Avon isn’t “Wood Harris,” he’s just Avon. Even Michael B. Jordan isn’t Michael B. Jordan, he’s just Wallace. That’s how good The Wire is, the (Yellow) king stay the king and they names stay they names. Anyway, the show obviously takes place in Compton, which is what 1989 Ice Cube tells me is like the Baltimore of California. Let me stop here before I actually convince myself that The Wire is coming back.
Veteran – Michael Shannon / Young Gun – Michael Pitt // Chick – Michael Jackson (just kidding, Diane Kruger)
Now this is an HBO reboot that actually makes sense. Michael Shannon is fantastic in everything he’s ever been in and this could be a breakout role for Michael Pitt, who anyone who watched Boardwalk Empire knows can really act. Diane Kruger is hot as fuck and I really wouldn’t mind the villain making flowers all over her.
Veteran – Joaquin Phoenix / Young Gun – Anton Yelchin // Chick – Amy Adams
To be honest, I have no clue who Anton Yelchin is, but he shows up on every “Best Actors Under 30” list on the internet so I’m gonna assume he’s legit. The twist here is that Phoenix and Adams’ characters are brother and sister and Phoenix has a sexual crush on her, only she doesn’t like him back because that’s weird. Sorry, I’ll stop trying to turn True Detective into The Wire Reloaded or Gladiator 2.
Sidebar – Big Amy Adams fan here. She was gross in Catch Me If You Can but I think she was like 12 so she gets a pass. Not gross anymore.
Veteran – Mark Wahlberg / Young Gun – Ryan Gosling // Chick – Emily Ratajkowski
OK, stay with me here. In the opening scene of the show, Mark Wahlberg’s character dies in an unfortunate schmelting accident. His partner, played by Gosling, goes over to his house to console his wife, played by hottest-woman-on-the-planet Emily Ratajkowski. One thing leads to another, and they end up fucking for the last 52 minutes straight of the first episode. For the next seven episodes, every one starts with Gosling ringing the doorbell, EmRata answering the door, and then them having full-on, P in the V sex until the final credits roll. Highest rated show of all-time, guaranteed.
Veteran – Samuel L. Jackson / Young Gun – Anthony Mackie // Chick – Jessica Chastain
“I”M SICK AND MOTHERFUCKIN’ TIRED, OF ALL THESE MOTHERFUCKIN’ PEDOPHILES, IN THIS MOTHERFUCKIN’ SWAMP!!” And no, I’m not even remotely kidding with the Samuel L. Jackson pick, I think he’d be a fantastic lead detective.
Veteran – Al Pacino / Young Gun – Emile Hirsch // Chick – Ashley Judd
Realistically Pacino probably wouldn’t do it but I’m pretty sure he did that Kevorkian movie on HBO not too long ago so maybe it’s not too big of a stretch. Went with Ashley Judd because she was the first actress that came to mind because her and Pacino were in Heat together, and I went with Emile Hirsch because he’s the man and I want a subplot to be him nailing Ashley Judd’s character on the show. The thought of Pacino finding the villain and asking in his awesome raspy voice, “What kind (dramatic pause), of sick FUCK (dramatic pause), would do something like that to little kids?” gets me aroused.
Veteran – Kanye West / Young Gun – Justin Bieber // Chick – Kim Kardashian /// Villain (Hero) – The American People
The plot: The three leads find the killer’s whereabouts, and when they arrive at the hideout, they are all killed by an angry mob of civilians.
The twist: It’s a reality show and this actually happens in real life.
The aftermath: A national holiday.
The disclaimer: I don’t hate Justin Bieber, if I were as young and as rich as him I’d be doing the same shit he does. I’m just tired of hearing about him. As for the other two? Pure and utter disdain.
Veteran – Morgan Freeman / “Young Gun” – Brad Pitt // Chick – Charlize Theron /// Villain – (SPOILERS!!) Kevin Spacey
It’s the cast we all want, it’s the cast we all need. If creepy and twisted is what Pizzolatto is going for, then just fire the cast of Se7en out there and throw in someone hot for Morgan Freeman to have sex with. Anybody who has seen both Se7en and season one of True Detective had to think to themselves at least once that the dark nature of the show reminded them a lot of Se7en, so why not run it back and at least vaguely mirror one of the best serial killer movies ever made?