Why I Want To Be Bros With Seth Rogen And James Franco


The Interview

Let’s start with the obvious. Because sometimes that gets lost in the minutiae. The realest reason I can give about why I want to be boy with Seth Rogen and James Franco is that they’re filthy rich Hollywood royalty. I would like to be friends with pretty much any Hollywood royalty. For I would like to be flown, free of cost, on a private jet, to chill on a yacht for a week at Cannes. I would like to meet Anne Hathaway at a movie premiere and woo her away from whatever French person she’s married to this week. I would like to go to clubs and drink top-notch champagne and have reams of attractive women ogling simply because I’m yucking it up with a couple of guys who are on the big screen.

“Who’s that,” they will say, my mystique my biggest advantage. “I’ve never seen him in any films.”

“That’s right,” I’ll say by way of an introduction because I overheard them talking. “I’m SO over Hollywood.”

So, yea. Duh. But it’s true that I wouldn’t want to be friends with just any Hollywood celebrity. I’d like to be friends with people I like. Nice as he might be, I doubt I want to spend any actual time with Channing Tatum. And lavish as the parties might be, nothing would be worth having to actually speak to Kanye West.

No, I’d like to be friends with Seth Rogen and James Franco. They are a particular kind of cool, the kind of cool I think most guys are. For starters, they’re intelligent. A lot of celebrities seem vapid and uninteresting and all “I make the movies.” These guys aren’t that. Hate all you want on the Renaissance nature of James Franco, at least he has a brain. Plus, I bet he gets it. Like if we were at a bar and he started ranting about Foucauldian power dynamics in social interactions in settings outside the home, I could be like, “Shut up, James. I just wanna drink my IPA and not talk about French postmodern theory tonight.”

I’d imagine he’d be like, “Yea, cool,” and we’d get back to drinking our IPAs and talking about sports.

Meanwhile, Seth would be packing the bong for when we got home. Seth wasn’t in the mood to go to the bar tonight, which is cool. Dude works his ass off during the day, so I get that he didn’t want to chill outside. That’s how Seth rolls. He’s his own independent person, I imagine. Who has a great weed connect. So me and James get back from the bar and Seth gets us high. Then, I’m like “James, now let’s talk Foucault.”

And that’s my kinda chill evening. Drinking a few IPAs at a bar then getting high and talking about life. These are the two guys I’d like to do it most with. I think these guys would want to do the same.

Plus, they’re also writers, so we could talk writing and maybe I could get a job on their next movie. (Look, just because I want to chill with them doesn’t mean I’m not gonna get mine).

And again, the weed. I bet the weed is so god damn good. Also meeting Anne Hathaway, as I referenced earlier. I know Franco and her are tight, and I really have a crush on her.

Plus, they hate Kanye, too.