Monday night capped off the second episode of The Bachelorette for the 2016 season, meaning BroBible and I are back to give you a Bro’s account of that intense episode.
In a house full of men filled with testosterone, shit started to get real last night. Guys were getting butt hurt and making threats because they forgot to take their pill to contain their napoleon syndrome for the day. Guys were professing their love for a woman they have known for little over a week. Guys were starting to cry on national TV, which their friends back home will play on repeat until he dies. Yeah, the first episode is always great, but the second episode is when the season starts to take form, and you put on your seatbelt because The Bachelorette car is taking off and it’s not going to wait any longer for you.
I thoroughly enjoyed last night’s episode. The dates were fun. There was a bunch of juice. We almost had a fight! There was even a limo set on fire!
Speaking of the limo on fire, that scene confirmed my conspiracy theory that WWE/The Bachelorette writers are the same exact people:
Here’s something I feel isn’t being talked about enough: JoJo is getting to a ridiculous level of attractiveness….
It’s honestly not fair at this point. Every outfit she puts on throughout this season somehow is better than the last. I haven’t looked at the numbers, but I wouldn’t be shocked to learn that the amount of male eyeballs on this season is at an all time high.
I feel bad for the two guys that are going to go back to the fantasy suite with her and then end up losing. It’s going to be one hard transition to go from JoJo back to the girls they hook up with at their local bar scene.
We’ll get into most of the juice that happened throughout the show in the power rankings, but the episode showed us how much potential this season has and that’s something to get excited about #BachNation
Each week we will pay our respects and say our goodbyes to the men who were eliminated during last night’s rose ceremony and/or left on a random beach in the middle of nowhere (miss you, Olivia).
Will (LW: 15): The man who will be remembered for the most awkward kiss in Bachelorette history was eliminated, surprising no one. Last week, I compared him to Bernie Sanders, as I thought he was a dead man walking, and it turned out he was. Don’t ever doubt my Bachelor analysis, world, or it WILL bite you in the ass.
James S (LW: 6): The self-proclaimed “Bachelor Superfan” took an early exit and almost gave us our first tear-filled exit interview of the season. Hopefully, this early elimination will give James S some extra time to find, you know, a real job.
Brandon (LW: 17): This show was probably too “mainstream” for Brandon The Hipster, so this was a blessing in disguise. Back to smoking weed and living off mommy and daddy’s trust fund.
Each week I will power rank the competitors who remain. Please know that these power rankings are not who I think is going to win, but instead whom I, personally, like the most. The power rankings will be split into three categories, Bachelorette Hell, Purgatory, and Heaven.
Please tell me why I am DEAD WRONG about my power rankings on Twitter @BigDaddysCourt
These men are in the pits of Bachelorette despair. I don’t like these guys for either rational or completely irrational reasons that I will explain below.
17. Nick B (LW: 16)
- If this guy could just go back to being Santa Claus, that’d be cool.
16. Evan (LW: 11):
- I legit thought Chad was about to make this guy cry when he took JoJo away from him.
- I’m not sure how JoJo isn’t freaked out by Evan. The haircut is enough to give me the chills. The way he conducts himself is also just a bit creepy.
- This may be because I’m incredibly immature but whenever Evan talks and his occupation of “Erectile Dysfunction Expert” pops up under his name it’s incredibly difficult for me to take any word he says seriously.
15. Christian (LW: 10):
- Did anybody else notice how deep that V-neck was that he wore to the group date? It almost went down to the bottom of his pecs! I forgot to take a screenshot, but that single-handedly shot Christian down the rankings. I don’t know about you, but I do NOT trust people who wear deep V-necks.
- Christian was honestly going to fall to the bottom of the power rankings, but his bathtub stunt saved him. This would normally piss me off, but I respect this move out of Christian. If I had that good of a physique I would be thinking of all the creative ways to show it off to JoJo, and that’s what Christian did. It’s a power move, and I respect it.
14. James Taylor (LW: 12):
- I believe that James Taylor is DIRECTLY responsible for this campfire singing trend going on in the house:
- I disliked James Taylor from the beginning, but this only makes me dislike him more.
- I also believe that James Taylor isn’t his real name. His name just fits him too perfectly and I refuse to believe it. Nothing short of his birth certificate will convince me otherwise (yes, I am pulling the “I need to see your birth certificate” card).
13. Robby (LW: 13):
- Robby managed to go through that entire firefighting course without messing up 95% of his hair. Robby is the Cristiano Ronaldo of this show, minus the Greek god abs, because he manages to somehow keep his hair perfect in every moment.
- This makes me mad because if I go to the bar for 30 minutes, my hair looks like I just ran a marathon, but Robby can run through an obstacle course and come out looking like a million bucks. Robby, Cristiano, and every other soccer player with a douche bag haircut similar to mine somehow know the secret and they aren’t letting it out.
Think of purgatory just like the current Boston Celtics team. Yes, they have a good team, but they are going to consistently get bounced from the playoffs in the first two rounds because they don’t have a superstar. It’s the same thing for the guys below. I wouldn’t mind hanging out with them in a group, but if they ever asked me to get a beer with them I’d make up some stupid excuse like my non-existent cat had to go to the hospital.
12. Napoleon Alex (LW: 9):
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- Question: who owns more real estate? Donald Trump in NYC or Chad in Alex’s mind? It’s closer than you think.
- Chad is so far inside Alex’s mind it’s scary. I’ve never seen anything like it in my life watching reality TV, and I’ve logged a lot of hours watching reality TV.
- This is the second episode Alex has gotten a lot of airtime, and I’m still not sure if he has a neck. Check back next week for any new findings.
11. James F (LW: 14):
- James F is going to be the guy that gets eliminated in week 5, and while he is giving his exit interview you are going to ask yourself, “wait, he hasn’t been eliminated yet?”
- I have a prediction for James F: he is going to get on his “I own a boxing gym” high horse and start to get into it with Chad. It will end poorly with James F, because Chad does not lose these types of battles.
10. Wells (LW: 18):
- Wells gave hope to nice guys across America last night when he won the “best impression” rose after almost dying on the group date.
- Speaking of that rose, JoJo explaining to us why she gave it to him gave me no hope for Wells’ future. JoJo sounded a lot like my high school football coach did when he gave the participation awards to the kids who didn’t play a down of meaningful football in their four year high school career.
- Wells was seen wearing a beanie, which made me baby throw up in my mouth. Then he showed a picture of himself wearing a beanie to JoJo, who had this to say:
- JoJo saying that beanies are hot made me lose faith in humanity.
9. Prince Ali (LW: 5):
- Did he get a second of screen time? Where is my PRINCE!?!?!?!?
8. Chase (LW: 8):
- DARK HORSEEEE.
7. Derek (LW: 4):
- I was excited for Jim Halpert’s, sorry I mean Derek’s, one on one date, but came away disappointed. I’m sure there were countless females across the country were touched by his heartbreaking love story, but I came away from that date thinking one thing: Derek is a boring guy.
- Maybe ABC didn’t show it, but Derek had the PERFECT opportunity to make a “mile high club” joke when they got on that private jet to build some sexual tension, but he didn’t…..come on, Derek!
6. Jordan (LW: 3):
- I thought I was going to like this guy, but it turns out that him referencing his “professional football days” is only pissing me off.
- If you were wondering how much Jordan played while he was a “professional,” here is what his ex-girlfriend posted after last weeks episode:
- If you don’t believe her, here is a screenshot from his pro football reference page:
- Brittany Farrar, his ex (Brittany if you are reading this HIT ME UP) hasn’t posted anything about last night’s episode yet. I was hoping she would continue to throw shade at Jordan throughout this season.
- I love how Jordan thought Marcellus Wiley was going to remember who the Quarterback for the 2011 and 2012 Vanderbilt football team was. That gave me an absurd amount of joy.
5. Grant (LW: 7):
- Grant is the only guy that Chad can’t knock out at the mansion currently, strictly because of his jaw.
- I like this guy. I don’t think he’s going to win, but I like him.
4. Vinny (LW: 19):
- Vinny reminds me more and more of the barber that gave me a hair cut in Staten Island once. That was the best damn haircut of my life. Yes, that is enough for him to be #4.
These guys, who are usually massive douchebags, are the type of guys I would want to get a beer with.
3. Danielle (LW: 20):
- I am in LOVE with this Chad-Danielle bromance that’s slowly developing right in front of our eyes.
2. Luke (LW: 2):
- Although he took the firefighter competition loss WAY too hard, I still am on board the Luke Train.
- He has the look of an actor that strictly does military movies. He also has a look of a guy that would steal any guys girl with just a wink.
1. Chad (LW: 1):
- This. Fucking. Guy.
- This morning, before I wrote this, I was asked in my Cultural Anthropology class to name three people I love that weren’t my family members, I said Bartolo Colon, JR Smith, and Chad.
- I love everything about him. I love how he is taking no shit from anybody in the house. I love that he is going to eat as much food as he wants, because it’s free and it’s goddamn #GrowingSeason. I love how he isn’t going to shave until HE wants to shave. I love his devious smile. I love how he is eating up being the heel of the house. Seth Rollins, if you are reading this, ditch J&J security and hire Chad.
- If you told me Chad didn’t win and he is now working on the Donald Trump campaign, I would not be surprised in the slightest. If you then told me Donald Trump was considering putting Chad as his VP, to help him with the female votes, I would again not be surprised in the slightest.
- I just want Chad to knock one of these guys out. The only thing I would complain about with Chad is that he hasn’t sent a message to the rest of the house that screams “don’t you dare fuck with me.”
Moment Of The Night:
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You CANNOT stump Chad. Better luck next time, Max Kellerman.
Awkward Moment Of The Night: JoJo giving Wells his participation trop-wait I mean best impression rose after the group date.
Internet Moment Of The Night:
Quote Of The Night: “The last time I pulled hoses like that was probably back home when I was in my apartment” –Danielle talking about his experience on the firefighter date.
The Act Like You’ve Been There Before Award:
If you don’t get this award think of this Vince Lombardi quote, “when you get in the end zone, act like you’ve been there before.”
This award is going to James S for almost crying during his exit interview. Bro, you’ve known the girl for a week, stop crying. Also, aren’t you a “Bachelor Superfan?” Shouldn’t you know that crying in a exit interview is NEVER a good move?
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Hardo Of The Night:
Noun- A hardo is a person who tries extremely hard at everything. Most times a hardo will try very hard at things that do not require excessive effort.
As much as I love you Chad, this one has to go to you….
Let me know your thoughts on last nights episode over on Twitter @BigDaddysCourt (I follow back)!