4 iPhone Games That Are Ruining My Fucking Life

by 3 years ago

While many people might let the benefits of their doctor-diagnosed attention disorder go to waste, I use mine solely for good – playing iPhone games. On the toilet. In class. At work. While I’m walking. All the time. They are seemingly running my LIFE. If you have not downloaded or played any of these games, I beg of you to do so. Human suffering at the hands of technology can be combatted if we are together in our strife.


“Why are you still playing that game?” It came out in March of 2014. You still listen to old Dave Matthews don’t you? Consider it vintage. Even then, a game that rewards you with points and different colored blocks with each swipe is irresistible. It rewards you with points every time. Taking grasp of the numerical wizardry bestowed upon you by this game, you begin to clench your anus as the numbers begin to climb. As you get closer and closer to your high score you begin to understand what Luke Skywalker felt when he first learned how to use the force. Then, when you least expect it, it all comes crashing down on you. GAME OVER, FUCKER. I was actually on a transit bus heading to class once, and as I lost within three thousand points of my high score I yelled out “FUCK ME” very audibly. I walked the rest of the way to class.


Two Dots

It all seems simple at first. Given a bunch of different colored dots on the screen, connect them to eliminate them. When eliminated, more fall from the top! Cool. That’s fucking child’s play. I can do that. For the first twenty levels. Then they add in all sorts of sorcery: ice blocks, fire that eats dots, blank dots, etc. They don’t just throw the kitchen sink at your ass, they hold you down and beat you with it. Have I mentioned that there are one hundred and eighty five of them? There are one hundred and eighty five levels. And every time you don’t reach a level’s intended goal, you lose one of your five lives. Don’t worry, the life will regenerate in 20 minutes. The part of your soul that the game takes from you, however, will not.

New Words With Friends

Words With Friends was probably one of the first iPhone games you actually played. The development company revamped their old version, and released a new one in the app store packed with new features. You can get matched with random people anywhere in the world. I beat the absolute shit out of some chubby dad the other day. Do I feel better about myself? Of course. It still has shitty ads, but they’re just a side effect of your enjoyment. Kind of like shitting blood after eating Taco Bell. Why would you still enjoy playing this game? Are you a semi-pretentious human being who considers yourself to have an above average vocabulary? I think you just answered your own question. There is nothing like tossing your phone on the table and making a jerk-off motion after playing a 65 point word against your mom. Also, can you imagine Jose Canseco and Sarah Palin playing each other in this game?




Although it is the game I play the least amount, it is the one that is the most frustrating. You start out in the game immediately. A majestic white ball bounces methodically up and down. Tapping left and right on the screen moves the ball in either direction with the cadence of the bounce unchanged. You must dodge obstacles to reach each new phase. If you so DARE as touch a black object in the game, you will be met with a sudden death. Finding yourself immediately at the last checkpoint ready to start again. The speed at which you can begin playing again after death is both the most appealing and most frustrating aspect of the game. Many hours of blood and tears has gone into this game.

Jake Alexander is hopelessly addicted to his iPhone and you can follow him on Twitter where he tweets often out of compulsion – @callmeshitto

TAGSAppsgamesiPhone gamesiphones

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