A Fucking Motorized Surfboard, Plus 10 Things We Want

by 6 years ago

Chief Trunk Bags, $Various

Chief Trunk's vintage-inspired bags are meant to evoke “the American good life.” And their red-and-yellow-striped, understated cool is especially bro-tastic when you keep in mind creator Konrad Duchek's recent comments to Esquire: “How we're different from the European brands is that I want you to get these dirty.”

Something else even cooler: Chief Trunk is made in the U.S.A.

Yeti Monster Ice Bucket, $199

The Yeti Tank 85 carries up to 60 longneck beers, or, alternatively, 96 cans. It also purports to hold 51 blue crabs. It is as its name implies: an absolute monstrosity of an ice bucket, perfect for seafood broils, frat parties, and those tailgates that make the football game seem like a collection of disassociated events.

True, the Yeti's high price tag will frighten some away. But did I mention the Permafrost Insulation and No Sweat Design? The Yeti actually makes your ice colder. This is the future. We're in the future.

Jack Daniels Whiskey Filled Chocolate, $9.99

Chocolate brand Goldkenn has teamed up with the bold flavor-makers of Jack Daniels whiskey to create whiskey-infused chocolate, wrapped in the signature No. 7 black boxes. Ole Jack is a versatile liquor—he's been improving the Applebee's menu for years—but I'll admit: I'm not 100% in on this concept. Why tamper with two beautiful things? Buy the chocolate as a gag gift, then use that chance to try one.

Liquid Lapdance Pants, $19.95

Liquid Lapdance is the next revolution in “strip club technology,” the world's first underpant specially designed for the common lap dance. How is it specially designed? From the site's description:

Each pair has a soft, latex extension in front to caress and stimulate the male anatomy. Add a squirt of lube, and you're ready for the best lap dance of your life.

1. They moisturize and lubricate your penis. A moisturized penis is more sensitive than a dry penis. As the dancer glides her body over yours, you will feel her much more intensely. One reviewer described it as the difference between standard and high definition.

2. They provide you with the space to get fully-erect. Most underwear is not designed to be worn when you're rock hard. Ours is. Expand in comfort.

3. They take the pain out of lap dances. Dry lap dances can be quite painful. Many guys avoid lap dances for this reason. Liquid Lapdance takes the pain out of lap dances. We've tested them with big butts, bony butts and even granny butts! No pain, our testers still made it rain! LL is designed for the grind!


Man. How will anyone enjoy a dance without the LLs? You can't go back to jeans and briefs after discovering underpants that allow you to “relax and fully-enjoy an orgasm without worrying about minimizing or containing ejaculation as you might in regular underwear.” It's like using an Apple TV, then being forced to plug in your VCR.

Just kidding. This Liquid Lapdance is horrifying.

JetSurf, $1400

While it might make surf purists cry, the JetSurf looks ridiculously fun: Clocking in at speeds of over 35 miles per hour, this gasoline-powered board only needs a little swell to get going.

Tide Surfing App, Free

Tide gives you the height of your beach's waves, an up-to-date temperature, and a “rating.” (Five stars is an “awesome swell.”) Use it with your motorized surfboard.

Knob Creek Smoked Maple, $30.99

Brand new for the month of September, Knob Creek's next small batch bourbon adds subtle smoke and maple flavorings to the classic notes of caramel, honey, vanilla, and toasted oak. In giving it a (high) rating or 89, Whiskycast said of the Smoked Maple, “I hate to use the terms “breakfast whiskey” or “comfort whiskey”, but this one would define those terms perfectly — just the right whiskey for a chilly weekend morning by the campfire.” Which is just about the most chill way to describe alcoholism that I've heard today.

Air Pegasus, $90

A classic kick, updated with innovative Phylon cushioning and mesh upper design.

Philips Avance Airfryer XL, $174.99

Frying your own food is a perfect way to cure the drunk munchies—but, you know, you're frying your food. It's not the healthiest thing.

Enter the Airfryer. The Airfryer fries chicken tenders and fishsticks by just air and a little bit of oil, delivering a healthier product than 2 a.m. McDonalds. Those fries also look de-fucking-licious.

Ferrari 458 Speciale, $TBA

It's been a few weeks since 10 Things We Want featured a ridiculous, badass, and completely out-of-everyone's-price-range automobile. The Ferrari 458 fits that bill. Delivering the highest lateral acceleration of any Ferrari, and a 4.5-liter engine that pushes 0-62 in three seconds, the 458 handles well in addition to all that speed: a “Side Slip angle Control system gives the car intelligent control through turns,” says Uncrate.

Look for Jeremy Clarkson to (probably) gush over it in an upcoming episode of Top Gear. This beauty would even cause the Stig to speak.

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