Taylor Swift Should Write A Song About How Hot Calvin Harris’ Rumored New Girlfriend Looked In A Bikini Today

Taylor should call the song, “Knockout Punch,” and may have it be her last song ever.

I’m not sure if Calvin was taking the pics of his rumored girlfriend (singer Tinashe) himself, but he certainly had to be a big advocate of these getting publicized. I’m surprised he didn’t personally send them into our tip line.

Why do I know this? Because it’s the only way you beat Taylor Swift. Swift is a publicity savant. In that realm, she’s playing chess and we’re all playing checkers tummy sticks. No one knows how to stay on society’s radar like her. But you can’t fight Tay Tay with words. No, no. Because she’ll always have the higher moral ground. She has zero skeletons in the closet besides being a sucker for love. She’s like fighting with the fucking Pope, so taking shots at her character is like taking shots at a litter of sick puppies. Like literal shots. With an assault rifle. Fruitless endeavor.

So you have to find more subversive ways to get under her skin, fire back for those pics she so readily took with her new boyfriend 12 minutes after you two broke up. But you have to do while not explicitly attacking her or appearing contrived in your actions.

So you get your scolding hot girlfriend to take pics on the beach looking like she was dropped from heaven, and then hire a few photographers to snap pics and leak them on the internet. Brilliant.

Oh she was on the beach in a bikini because she was filming a music video? Ok pal, I’ll believe my reality and you believe yours.

Oops, not sure how that one got in there.

^Throwing a lollipop in her mouth. Nice touch, Calvin. Truly masterful.

Rumors started that Calvin and Tinashe were dating sparked after the two were spotted together at Soho House in West Hollywood on Thursday night looking cozy. They could very well just be boning, which doesn’t seem like the worst thing in the world for Calvin either…


Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.