Aww Hell Yea Bros, Charlize Theron Is Single

Guys! Possibly the most bad ass, attractive woman on the face of the planet, Charlize Theron, is now single.

Of course, this means nothing to you, because, what are you gonna do? Walk up to her at a bar and seduce her with your slick moves? Nah. Nah, Bro. But at least in the fantasy you have in your head wherein the two of you bone — for hours and hours on end — you won’t have to fend off a coked up Sean Penn swinging at the door with a baseball bat, trying to get into the bedroom to bash your skull in for fucking his A-list girlfriend.

Or, you can still have that as part of your fantasy, if you want, you freak. You can’t get an erection without the threat of danger, can you?

Wow. This went off the rails. Fast. But, US Magazine is reporting Theron and Penn have ended their engagement and are otherwise done.

One insider tells Us that the high-profile pair, who got together in December 2013, decided that their romance was over following their most recent jaunt to the Cannes Film Festival in the south of France. The source tells Us that Theron, 39, was the one to break things off with the fellow Oscar winner.

Make yo move, bro.

Also, we extend our sincerest sympathies to Ms. Theron in this tough time. If she would like someone to drink rose with and commiserate, I would gladly offer my services.

I make a great gab pal.