Today, though, all those happy nostalgic memories have left me. I feel like a kid who grew up a diehard Mark McGwire fan, and lost all faith when it turned out that the 500-foot homers were a facade of East European steroids, artificial testosterone, and bull semen. Because the new Maxim Hot 100 list has been released, and it's trolling shit.
Their No. 1? Miley Cyrus, a fine looking young girl, but C'MON.
No. 2? Selena Gomez, another very pretty young lady, but C'MON.
Nothing on this list makes sense. Is it going by “buzz-worthiness”? In that case, Kate Upton is undervalued at No. 7 and Jennifer Love Hewitt is reporting from 1999 with that No. 6 slot. Is it going by just straight-up attractiveness? Then Candice Swanepoel, widely considered one of the most beautiful women in the world, is firing in waaay too low at No. 64. Is it going by some sort of combination of sweet and sexy? Then Mila Kunis—based on this—and Jennifer Lawrence—based on this—should occupy some sort of co-No. 1 spot. It's all so weird.
I will say that not a single lady on this list is unattractive, except, I guess, for “Manti Te'o's Fake Girlfriend” (No. 69, just ahead of gorgeous SI model Nina Agdal, who is about 70 spots too low). I'm certainly not going to be that douche who says, “Ew no way, brah. Lake Bell's eyebrows are a DEALBREAKER.” And I know that, when you're putting together a list like this, you aren't really scientifically choosing each spot—hour-long discussions are not being bandied about the wisdom of selecting Katrina Bowden over Demi Lovato.
But this is a stunt. 11-year-old me is weeping.
(Hoda Kotb at No. 79, though? Genius.)