The Slovakian Prime Minister Hired This Former Topless Model As His Personal Assistant Because Wouldn’t You?

Robert Fico, the 50 year old Slovakian Prime minister, has recently made the ultimate power move by hiring 28 year old Maria Troskovo, a former Miss Universe contestant and topless model. Convenient, Fico, you dirty dirty dog.

Guys, before you jump to conclusions and call my boy Robert an overly-opportunistic scumbag, maybe it’s possible she’s the right fit for the job. Oh, she has no experience working in the government? No transferable skills? Well, she did study Management at a University. I, too, studied Management at a University and never got a call back about an open position at Denny’s.

“She was always very popular with the boys but never slept around. She seemed more interested in getting good grades. The modelling was just for some extra cash. I am delighted she has got this job and I am sure she will be excellent at it.”
-Aneta Pitrova, university friend

When I typed “Robert Fico” into Google, I was expecting to see a fat, mouth-breathing slob at the end of his pitiful rope. Instead, the guy’s kind of a stud. Strong jawline, impressive build. If this whole Prime Minister junk doesn’t work out, I can totally see him as a servicable fullback in the NFL. Not for a contender, but for like, the Browns.

And I can really respect a guy who challenges himself, pushes to be the best version of himself. And what bigger way to challenge yourself than to attempt to run a country with a permanent hard-on? Because personally, I’m a one-track-mind boner type of guy. Some people can focus on the socio-economic well-being of millions of people, but I’m the kind of guy that when I feel that tingle downstairs, I’m locking my bedroom door. Or the stall door at this Whole Foods. Already got my material…

Aannd I’m done.

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.