A Response To All ’51 Things You Wish You Could Ask [Your Boyfriend] Without Sounding Crazy’

I’m sure it’s a given that all of you are constantly refreshing Total Sorority Move, so there’s no real need for me to give this preamble, but I’m giving it anyway. A couple days ago, TSM published an article titled “51 Things You Wish You Could Ask Him Without Sounding Crazy.” I’m assuming that the “him” refers to a boyfriend, but it’s not clear. It could refer to a doorman, a cab driver, your dad, a hobo, your stalker, Steve Buscemi, one of the members of Smash Mouth… who the hell knows? For the purposes of this article, I’m going to assume they meant boyfriend.

I figured that as a guy, and someone who has had girlfriends at different stages of my life, I was more than qualified to answer these pressing questions on behalf of all men. I’m hoping this gives women everywhere some peace of mind.

You’re welcome, Ladies.

1. Why did you like that girl’s Instagram picture?
Because you could almost see her nipple in it and I wanted to let her know that I approved of what she was doing. Without my feedback, she might think that her boob pics are going unappreciated and cut down on them. I don’t want that on my conscience.

2. Do you think she’s prettier than I am?
I think you have a prettier face, but she definitely has a better body. Nothing that a two-a-day Soul Cycle campaign can’t fix!

3. No, but really?
Not sure how much clearer I can make it… listen, I feel like she probably has bad skin in person, and if I woke up next to her I’d be like “yikes, I thought you were way hotter than that,” whereas you can look cute with no makeup, hanging out in sweats. But as far as sex appeal goes, this girl just has it. I’m just being honest.

4. Is the stuff you watch in porn actually something you’d want?
Definitely not. I mean, I watch Walking Dead too, but that doesn’t mean I want to murder zombies, ya know? I watch porn for the story more than anyt- *can’t contain it any longer and bursts out laughing*

5. If you did watch porn–but you don’t, right?
Oh, stop it. Don’t play dumb with me, honey. If I told you I didn’t watch porn, you know what I’d be? That’s right, A LIAR. Do you really want to date a liar who feels like he has to hide his true self from you? Accept me for me!

6. You’ve never gotten a lap dance, have you?
Not sure what gave you that impression. I literally told you two weeks ago about the gross lap dance I got at Brenner’s bachelor party, and how the girl smelled like a metallic cupcake. And yet, you say that I never listen.

7. Do you remember what I was wearing the first time we made out?
That can’t be a real question. That was like fifteen months ago. I couldn’t even tell you what you’re wearing right now and I’m staring right at you.

8. When you go out with the guys, can you just, like, not make eye contact with any females?
Why? You want a rumor to start going around that your boyfriend has Asperger’s? Let’s see how into this you are once everyone starts applauding you for “dating that autistic kid.”

9. Actually, can you just not leave the house, ever?
You’re starting to freak me out here… did you just lock the door?

10. You don’t still think about your ex, do you?
Barely. Only once in a while, but it’s usually when I’m masturbating, so you’ve got nothing to worry about.

11. What do you think you’ll do at your bachelor party?
Probably just like one of those paint your own pottery places, and then a trip to Benihana.

12. Please delete every girl you’ve ever hooked up with, kissed, or shared a conversation with on social media.
That sounds insanely time consuming. Also, this is not a question, it is a statement. You’re ruining the conceit of the game.

13. Actually, can you just delete all of the girls? It’ll be easier.
Even my mom? I’m not sure if I can continue this relationship if you’re trying to get in between me and my family. You’re sick.

14. How come I’m not in your profile picture?
Don’t take it personally. It’s just because I’m holding out hope that a hotter girl than you will come along and want to hook up with me. If I have you in my prof pic, she’ll realize I’m taken and not hit me up, but if I leave a little mystery about my relationship status, there’s a chance she’ll reach out, and then I can get rid of you.

15. Did you ever hook up with that girl you just said hi to?
No, but one time we grinded really hard at a party and I thought we were about to hook up, but then she puked and I was like, “gross.”

16. Why the fuck did that girl just hug you? Do you like her or something?
Um… that’s my sister, and you’ve met her like seventeen times. You have to stop doing this.

17. You didn’t text me back right away because…?
Jesus Christ, I was in a meeting. You complain that I don’t buy you nice things, and then you hassle me when I’m at work that I’m not paying enough attention to you. If you want me to get a promotion then quit bothering me all day when I’m at the office!

18. If we had a threesome, you wouldn’t leave me for the other girl, would you?
Wow, way too many variables here to comment either way, but I like that a threesome is now potentially on the table.

19. Can you tell me I look pretty and that you’ll stay with me forever every hour on the hour?

20. Are your boners always for me or…?
Stop trying to take ownership of my body. #MyBonerIsMyBusiness

21. Would you love me more if I had bigger boobs?
Well, I certainly wouldn’t love you less, if that answers anything.

22. Your ex had bigger boobs. Is that, like, something you miss?
Yeah, well, she also had about thirty pounds on you, so no.

23. No, you like my personality right? She had a shitty personality, didn’t she?
I don’t think you can really criticize anyone’s personality when you’re threatening to lock me up in a house to keep me away from other girls. But, yeah… she kinda sucked. She would do this thing where she would pretend to be a huge sports fan just because she thought it’s what I wanted to hear, and it just screamed desperation.

24. What did that tweet mean? #Seriously
I’m assuming you’re referring to this tweet. It was just a silly joke, I’m not sure what exactly you’re angry about.

25. You realize I can see the Instagram pictures you like, right?
Sounds like a productive way to spend your free time.

26. When are you thinking about getting married?
Usually when I’m taking a dump.

27. More specifically, when are you thinking about marrying me?
Oh, well, that’s a whole ‘nother bag of marbles. Really hasn’t crossed my mind, especially considering we’ve known each other for two weeks. Right before you got here, I had to pull up Tinder to remind myself of your name.

28. If I got pregnant, you’d help me raise the baby, right?
Totally. I’d help you raise it over your head to throw it off a bridge.

29. What would we name it?
If it’s a guy, I’ve always liked the name Max Payne.
If it’s a girl, I’m thinking Praise’christ.
If it’s a hermaphrodite, Sam.

30. Do you think my hair looks sexy pushed back?
I’m not sure I know what that means. Show me and I’ll let you know.

31. Between Kate Upton and me, you’d pick me–right?
Lol. Don’t ask questions you know the answer to.

32. Can we just live together and cuddle but, like, only have sex when I want it, and also have you not cheat on me?
This sounds like a “Native Americans selling the island of Manhattan for $24” level of shitty deals.

33. Are you mad at me?
I wasn’t until you asked me that.

34. Like, at all?
Great, now you’ve amplified it.

35. Do you still talk to girls you hooked up with?
Yes, but only when I’m drunk.

36. Yeah, you need to stop that. Like, now.
I’m an American adult and can do whatever I damn well please. Benjamin Franklin didn’t fly that kite on the cross, so that I could be bossed around by some dame.

I never said that. Do you have schizophrenia? I think you should consider going to see a doctor.

Here. His name is Dr. Paul Weitz. My mom recommended him, and he has a great ZocDoc profile. If you want me to come to the appointment for support, I’m more than happy to.

39. EVER.
It’ll be okay, hon. It’ll allllll be okay. Ssshhhh, sssshhh. There’s a good girl.

40. Why didn’t you get me a present for our three month anniversary?
Because shut up?

41. Do you not love me?
It’s not that I don’t love you, it’s just that I prefer not to be around you. You haven’t been a very pleasant person to be around lately. I know there are some things going on, ya know, mentally, and I’m trying to keep that in perspective, but if I’m being real here, I would feel kinda relieved if you got hit by a bus. I wouldn’t want it to be a slow death, something quick. You wouldn’t even feel it.

42. If we were in “The Notebook,” would you be Noah or Lon? GO!
I’ve never seen it. I’m gonna go with Noah because he sounds like a Jew.

43. Why do you have a passcode on your phone?
So that I don’t get into the situation that happened last time where my phone was stolen at Governor’s Ball and the dude took a bunch of cock shots, which then auto-uploaded to my cloud account.

44. No, I get it but, like, are you hiding something?
I feel like you’re just not even listening to my responses at this point.

45. You got a text. Who’s it from?
Ugh, it’s Verizon again telling me that I’ve used 80% of my data for the month. Verizon is almost as clingy as you are. Blowing up my phone constantly… like, chill Verizon.

46. Does your mom like me?
She did, until you had that freakout where you showed up at my childhood home, blackout drunk and yelling racial slurs like a maniac. That was… off-putting.

47. Did your mom like your ex more? Like, at all?
I mean, she was definitely way more pleasant to be around, but she wasn’t Jewish, so that was always kinda an issue for my parents.

48. Who’s in your group project? Are there any girls in it? Are they pretty?
“Group project”? I’m almost thirty-years-old, what the hell are you talking about? I feel like your condition is rapidly declining.

49. Why are you still friends with your ex on Facebook?
Because I’m not a petty, immature idiot, and I know how to function as an adult in society.

50. Who’s fucking hair is this?
That’s clearly Rupert’s (my dog). You’re literally watching me brush him as we’re having this conversation.

51. You don’t think I’m crazy, do you?
No, not at all. Are you done? Okay, great. I wanted to have a talk with you… about us. It’s clear that we’re just going down two different paths. I’m trying to get my career on track and really settle down and start a family, and you spend most of your day rubbing shit on the walls in a maniacal rage and staring out of your window with binoculars yelling that the trees are spying on you. I think our lifestyles are just… not in sync. I’ve valued our relationship though, and I wish you the best.