Top Five Problems

Top Five Problems

April 23, 2013

By Michael Aschkenasy

Every man, single or not, has a top five celeb list.  While it was staring at our computer at work, or pondering while relieving ourselves on the porcelain throne, we have all broken this thing down.  We may not all have it meticulously planned out in order, but when put to the test, we can all put together our five favorite celebrities that we would give it to, if all the rules of civilized society were eliminated, and even then we developed magical powers.  My list is pretty solid, in my own humble opinion.  I’ve got Elisha Cuthbert, Emma Watson, Isla Fisher, Katy Perry and Vanessa Hudgens for a little flavor.  Those are my picks, and since this is America, I don’t give a shit if you don’t like them.  In my mind it is the six of us sharing what would forever be known as the most awesomely awesome bed in all the galaxy.  But there’s the problem.  We want them all, and they ain’t down for no orgy.

So imagine the situation.  Let’s say you were driving to work and stopped for a cup of coffee to get over the vicious hangover you have been nursing for the past 45

minutes.  Pull over, get your coffee, throw some non-dairy creamer in there, and you are on your way.  But two sips later your eyes get droopy, your legs are feeling heavy, and boom you’re out- You wake up tied to a chair with your top five in front you, Hermione and all.  Alex Trebek is there because who else would be the host for such an event, and he is explaining the situation to you.  You get one minute to eye down your finalists, then you have to decide who you are going to make the beast with two backs with.  JUST ONE OF THEM.  This whole article was leading to this point.  How on earth could you do that?  I don’t have a number one.  Even my top five is riddled with doubts.  I don’t even have Mila Kunis in there.  What about Alison Brie’s Boobs.  Dear God, what about Salma Hayek’s?  I don’t know if it is because of my Jewish guilt, but I could never be happy choosing just one.  The whole time, and probably for the rest of my life (assuming Trebek releases me from whatever this amazing experiment is) I will be lamenting the horrible decision I made.  Even if, let’s say, I decide to go with Emma Watson, because, you know, fucking Hermione would be awesome, and she rocks my world like there is no tomorrow.  Like the best sex ever.  Like it seemed as if there actually was five of her.  Like it broke my dick and I don’t even care because that night used up the sex quota for my entire life.  The entire night would still be a huge mistake.  Imagine what it could have been like with the others. 

Emma Watson doesn’t even have boobs!  What was I thinking???  No matter who you pick, it will be a colossal mistake.  And that is just plain sad.

We have too many options in this world.  There are too many hot celebrities.  There is too much porn (way too much).   There is just too much of everything.  We simply have too many options.  When our parents were growing up there was actually such a thing as an ‘It’ girl.  She was the hot celebrity of the moment, and every guy had her at #1 on their celebrity fuck list.  It wasn’t even a list.  It was just a napkin with Marilyn Monroe’s name on it.  If by some miracle (that miracle being that Monroe was pretty loose when it came to her gentleman callers) she came strolling by you, there was no hesitation.  There was no one better.  It was Monroe in a white dress, and the entire bar trying to roll their tongues back into their mouths like Roger Rabbit.

If by some miracle you ever do end up in a situation where Alex Trebek is forcing you to decide which one celebrity you want have sex with, don’t over think it.  Just enjoy the

ride.  Because in all honesty, it’s never gonna happen anyway, so no point losing sleep over it.  Just have that list ready, because you never know when the daily double will end up being that fucking awesome. 

God Damn it I forgot about Kate Upton…