Blazed Movie Reviews: ‘Star Trek Into Darkness’

Paramount Pictures

They have those machines on the Enterprise that can make anything, right? I wonder if Scotty ever made a bong. Star Trek and weed go together really well – there’s even a strain of Indica named “Romulan.” So getting blazed and going to see Star Trek Into Darkness was kind of a no-brainer.

Star Trek is weird because people who are into it are serious about it in a way that like Star Wars people aren’t. People who like Star Trek expect it to be a Certain Way and get really pissed off if it isn’t That Way. I’m not that into Star Trek so it doesn’t bother me if they change things or don’t play by Federation rules or contradict an episode of Deep Space Nine or whatever. I just wanna watch Kirk bang space babes and blow up Klingons.

But people who are serious about Star Trek need to make sure that everything is Just So so when they write their homoerotic Kirk/Spock stories or decorate their shower to look just like a teleporter bay they know that they rest of the world is also taking it seriously or something? I dunno. Just lie back and enjoy it.

So the new flick is basically about all of Starfleet vs. one dude, a terrorist ex-officer named John Harrison who can do all sorts of wonderful things with his mind. I won’t spoil the thing for you, but he’s basically who everybody on the Internet said he was going to be while J.J. Abrams denied it, but it’s a cool take on the character. Once he’s captured by the Enterprise (remarkably soon into the movie), things start to get really interesting. Crosses and double-crosses come fast and furious, and even if you can’t keep up there’s still enough going on to keep you interested.

Every actor in this is good and cool but Benedict Cumberbatch (who has a name that is really hard to type without laughing) is great as John Harrison. Dude is just into it in a way that’s not cliche movie villain but rather fun and engaging. There’s a couple dumb plot points (especially one at the end that’s just absurd as hell) but who cares? Kirk. Space babes. Klingons (even though he actually doesn’t blow up Klingons). Warping. Photon torpedoes. Alice Eve in her underwear. Spock going ham on dudes. Good movie.

Disclaimer: I fixed all the typos and grammar errors but left all the rest of the dumb stuff in/