You’ve likely heard that two Philly man are suing Anheuser-Busch for watering down their beer. In the least shocking news of the week, lab testing has proven that they are wrong. The two men’s response to this evidence? “Nuh-uh!”
The lawsuit brought against AB claims that the mega-brewer adds water just before canning, dropping the alcohol content below the stated ABV. The two plaintiffs cite conversations with brewery employees as their evidence. I’m not a lawyer or a scientist, but I would have told them to do at least a little bit of research beyond anecdotal evidence before filing a massive class action lawsuit. Independent lab testing has confirmed that I should be worshiped for my wisdom.
Tests conducted on Budweiser, Bud Light Lime, and Michelob Ultra this week by San Diego’s White Labs found that “the alcohol percentages inside the cans were the same as what was stated on the can,” says analytical laboratory specialist Kara Taylor.
“Some of them were spot-on. Others deviated, plus or minus, within a hundredth of a percentage” — well within federal limits, she says.
Surprise! They aren’t watering down their beers any more than intended. Either the brewery employees cited are lying, ignorant to how their own company works, or just adding to the tiresome “macro beer is basically water” joke. In very Johnny Cochran-like fashion, the two men who filed the suit are just going to ignore this evidence.
When told that a lab commission by NPR had tested several Budweiser samples and found them to match their labeled alcohol content, Boxer dismissed our test results, confident that when he gets his hands on Anheuser-Busch’s internal testing, he’ll still have a strong case.
Much like I’m not a lawyer or scientist, I’m also not a brewery or bookkeeper. If I were though, and I had test results showing that I was in violation of federal regulations, I probably wouldn’t keep those documents around. I’d have a personal assistant whose sole job was to destroy the evidence. I might even power the brewery with heat from burning the lab results. Clean energy!
*UPDATE: St. Louis Testing Labs have also confirmed the actual alcohol content is the same as the purported content. Enjoy your lawsuit, suckers.
And if I may opine, can we stop saying that Budweiser etc. aren’t beer? The comments on the NPR article reiterate that stance multiple times, and it makes people sound like immature little kids. A one hundred dollar bill is one hundred times better than a one dollar bill, but that doesn’t mean that George Washington isn’t on the face of money.