Many police officers get the reputation of being somewhat of a jerk because, well, they are.
However, that doesn’t mean every member of law enforcement is like that. I’ve met some of the nicest people who turned out to be police officers.
Recently a discussion took place between police officers and law enforcement members discussing times they let people go after committing a crime because it was just too crazy or hilarious of a situation. Here are some of the best ones.
I am working as a rent-a-thug while finishing off my degree, and have some pretty amusing stories. The best is from a grocery store in a bad part of town.
So. Picture a woman. A large woman. Nope, larger.
She’s allergic to soap and showers too, apparently. Hair has probably never been washed. Enormous breasts. Enormous cleavage. It was stinky. I watched her grab a Koolaid packet, 69 cents, and stuff it into her bra. Then another. Then two more. I then watched her walk right out the front door. I gave the store manager 4 bucks to cover the loss.
Sometimes it’s just not worth it.
As a young patrolman in the Air Force Security Police, got a call to an office referencing possible sabotage or theft of classified material. I remember thinking how this could a huge case.
I was thinking ahead about all the questions to ask and who would have to get called in. I get to the office, get all the basic identifying information from the complainant/victim. I asked her what made her think there was sabotage going on and she told me that the last couple days she’s been coming into work and data on her 2.5″ disks (yes, I’m old enough for those) has been erased. So, I ask where she stores her disk.
She turns to her whiteboard, and shit you not, pulls her disk out from under a MAGNET. I actually stood there, blank faced in awe as this woman who developed complex systems for the military held this disk out to me. All I could say was “Ma’am, do you know what happens to a MAGNETIC storage device when you expose it to a MAGNETIC field generated by, say a MAGNET?”
Once, while doing a patrol check of abandoned vehicles on a major highway I came across a pickup truck with the keys in the ignition and the doors unlocked. I looked around the wood line but didn’t see anyone. The truck was parked directly in front of a bridge so I looked over the guardrail into the embankment area and immediately saw a man squatted with his pants around his ankles. I inquired as to what he was doing and he replied, “taking a dump.” As I didn’t see any TP or hand sanitizer in the vicinity I didn’t really want to touch his license after he did. So, I told him to hurry up and left.
Not a cop but would like to thank one for letting me go.
I was driving home from work, was stuck in SoCal traffic. Didn’t have to pee when I got into my car but by the time I was about to hit my off ramp it felt like I was about to let loose the rolling thunder building up in my bladder.
My house was about 2-3 blocks from the freeway offramp and about halfway up a steep hill. There was also a community college, a mall and a high school in the nearby area, so the intersection leading up to the hill was a notorious speed trap. I was paying more attention to the impending tsunami than the cop car at the intersection when the light turned green.
Lights, sirens, and I’m about to cry. At this point I don’t even care about the ticket as I can literally see my apartment door and I’m in danger of unleashing Niagara Falls in my car. I had literally never had to pee so bad in my life.
Cop walks up to my car and I can’t do it. I open the door (bad form, I know) shove my wallet, ID, insurance into his hands and sprint to my house across 4 lanes of traffic. I left my keys in the door and the door open. Didn’t care, had to pee.
I hear the cop enter the house as I’m literally sitting on the toilet pissing my brains out in a (seemingly) never ending stream. When he knocked on the door, I thought I was surely going to jail, my little E-Nothing military career was going to be ruined and that I didn’t want to die on the toilet (I was convinced he was going to shoot me for running.)
Apparently my internal monologue of freaking out wasn’t so internal. At some point he started laughing and asked me if I was ok. I told him I was, that I would be out in a moment and that I was terribly sorry about all of it.
When I finished up washing my hands and stepped out of the bathroom, the cop was in my living room waiting for me. He told me that he pulled my car into our complex’s parking lot and warned me not to do that kind of thing in the future. He tossed me my keys and walked out to his squad car still chuckling.
I frequently (or did when I was in uniform) let Impaired Care or Control slide. If I found someone sleeping in the back seat of their parked car after drinking, it demonstrated to me a decision to NOT drink and drive. I’d often take keys, or drive someone home, but arresting them just seemed wrong.
I was working the 3-11 shift one year on Christmas Eve. As I was patrolling the residential section of my sector, I saw this complete shitwagon sputtering down the dimly lit street.
The tail light was cracked, so I ran the plate. I got a hit for the registered owner for an outstanding traffic warrant for his arrest. Maybe $400-$500 worth. I saw the car pull over and park in front of a house. I was about to flip on the lights, and I saw him get out of the car. His driver’s license picture came up on my computer screen with the hit notification, but I couldn’t see if it was definitely him or not — he was dressed as Santa, sack of toys and all. Now aware of my presence, he says hello.
“Are you Richard?” I ask.
“Yes, I am, how can I help you?” He responds.
“Is this your car?”
“Yes, sir. I’m in from out of town. About to surprise my nephews and nieces with presents!”
“Merry Christmas, Richard.” And I just drove away.
My dad was a police officer for about five years, I remember him telling me this story about him getting called into a Goodwill because of an attempted theft. When he arrived, he saw a homeless man in a pair of pants that were at least a few sizes too small. Apparently, he needed pants and he didn’t have the 12 dollars for them so he tried to steal them. When he was caught, the police were called. My dad paid the 12 dollars, chewed the clerks out a little, and purchased the man a decent-fitting pair of pants before sending him on his way. I like that story.
I was working the metal detector at our court. I tell people to remove anything METAL from their pockets and place it on the table before walking through. This one guy pulls out his (plastic) bag of weed and lays it out in front of me. I did a triple take to make sure it was what I thought it was. I told him that marijuana is not metallic and that he should keep that in his pocket next time. Since he already has some legal issue pending in court I decided not to pile anything else on him. I confiscated the bag and signed it into evidence to be destroyed. No charges. I see the guy around all the time now.
My ex fiance was a cop for a redneck town where the people didn’t have much money. He was called to the grocery store where a little girl about 9 was being detained in the managers office for stealing a box of tampons. He said she had tears and snot everywhere and her pants had obvious blood stains all over the front. My ex then bought the box she was trying to steal along with 3 more boxes, some food, and milk. He then drove her home to a trailer that was falling apart. It wasn’t so much the crime that was ridiculous but more the manager’s reaction. I guess when my ex came in the manager was just screaming at this terrified 9-year-old.
Not a cop, but I owe a lot to one. I had a nasty heroin addiction. I cleaned up my life and had been clean for three years. My friend had been learning to become a tattoo artist and asked me if I wanted one. To repay his kindness I picked up a thirty pack and some tequila. After about three hours of him digging in with the gun and most of the beers and booze gone we came up with THE PLAN. We were going to go to the city and score some dope.
Didn’t take long and we accomplished just that. We found a nice quite, dimly lot parking lot to pull in and get to get high. We break out the gear and started. He got his ready faster and got it done, I was out of practice and fumbled around for a bit. Just then someone knocked on the window, It’s the cops. We roll down the window and they ask if we knew where we were.
Before we can say anything the cop said “This is the fucking police station parking lot, Are you fucking retarded?” They took the dope and sent us on are way and I now have thirteen years clean thanks to that cop.
Prosecutor here. I came across one such domestic violence case during intake. The facts: husband and wife arguing, husband grabs wife’s keys and throws them in the yard. Husband is charged by beat cop with Criminal Tampering, and technically, husband was guilty under the law.
I’ve never written a faster motion to dismiss.
I had a motorcycle accelerate past me right as I was about to get off the interstate. He downshifted and took off clearly being an arrogant smartass. I merged back on and chased him even though I had no realistic chance of catching him. He continued to flee even after I initiated lights and sirens, and attempted to get off at the next exit to lose me. I lost sight of him as he hit the ramp because it went down to the road at an angle.
As I got to the exit I had to slam on my brakes as he was laying in the middle of the road. He had lost it trying to make the turn onto the surface street. He got up as I got out of the car and had his helmet in his hand. I drew my weapon and ordered him to the ground, but he was too busy slamming his helmet on the pavement repeatedly yelling, “Stupid, stupid, stupid…”
I did take him to jail, but did not charge him for felony evading arrest. I figured his totaled bike and sky high insurance premiums would probably prevent any future motorcycle related shenanigans.