News – you so funny! Forget the Sunday comics and dry humor op-eds, the funniest part of the newspaper (and justification for its continuing existence) is indeed the police blotter section. Without further ado, here are some of America’s finest police blotter reports.
33. A woman reported an intruder in her closet. Police found no one there, and she was arrested on drug charges.
32. A resident suspected a neighbor of breaking a kitchen window with a watermelon.
31. A Sycamore Street woman reported a strange caller threatened to make improvements to the outside of her house.
30. “Suspicious” people were reported doing something with flashlights by the side of North Fifth street in Custer. A deputy checked and found the people were not suspicious, but merely Canadian.
29. A man unhappy with a free shoe shine was advised to request that the shine be removed. The shiner complied.
28. The Learning Center on Hanson Street reports a man across the way stands at his windows for hours watching the center, making the parents nervous. Police ID the suspect as a cardboard cut-out of Arnold Schwarzenegger.
27. A noise complaint was reported on Pin Oak Drive. Police responded and found a 50th anniversary party. The seniors were advised to turn down the Frank Sinatra music.
26. A “psychotic woodchuck” chased police officers on patrol on the Amherst bike path, forcing officers to open fire.
25. A man came to the sheriff’s department to “find out how to legally kill” someone who was harassing him.
24. A woman not wearing pants was reported. Police responded and determined that a dress shirt covered her sufficiently.
23. A woman upset with her husband for failing to replace broken window panes broke a few more.
22. A shoplifter was apprehended at Woodworker’s Warehouse. The suspect was found to have five hammers inside his pants.
21. Police report a false fire alarm at The Commons. A resident was drying underwear in the microwave.
20. Walmart: Police receive a report of a newborn infant found in a trash can. Upon investigation, officers discover it was only a burrito.
19. Report of a tree fire ignited by an electrocuted squirrel on Phillips Street.
18. Caller reported that someone was feeding the eagles causing a hazard as one of the eagles had flown into her truck. Officers investigated and discovered that the eagles were not being fed but were congregating, as eagles are known to do.
17. A family and their pets were “held hostage” by a raccoon that entered the house through the doggie door.
16. An exasperated, exhausted immature eagle which had entrapped itself inside a crab pot was able to fly to safety after an officer climbed a stack of crab pots and cut a raptor-sized hole in the netting.
15. A person was hit in the face with a bag of hot dogs on Thanksgiving.
14. A resident reported a large light in the sky. It was the moon.
13. Ten raccoons were reported to be loitering near a dumpster.
12. A horse was believed to be dead on a Cadiz property, but when checked by an animal welfare representative was determined to be sunbathing.
11. Deputies responded to a report of a gaggle of elks loitering in a public roadway creating a traffic hazard near milepost 33. Deputies spoke with the elk and they agreed to leave the roadway and not return.
10. A deputy responded to reports of a vehicle stopping at mailboxes. It was the mailman.
9. A woman reported that someone must have stolen her mail, because she did not receive birthday cards from some of her friends.
8. An officer went inside and called out, “Marco.” Police found the suspect after he responded, “Polo.”
7. A woman reported that someone broke into her home and switched hardware in her computer with identical hardware that doesn’t work. There are no leads.
6. A woman requests to talk to a deputy because her housekeeper is not putting her towels away properly.
5. Dispatch, report of a Swanson chicken pot-pie running east on Clay Street.
4. A caller reported that someone was yelling “help” from their residence. Officers responded and learned the person was calling for a cat named “Help.”
3. Man put Icy Hot on his wife’s vibrator. Divorce pending.
2. A woman reported to police officers that two people were in her backyard cutting her marijuana plants.
1. A woman reported a dispute with her neighbor/boyfriend who is refusing to bring her a casserole.