Help! I’m in a relationship but we never have sex…ever

Feet in bed image by Shutterstock

Remember Quin, the girl who snapped at a guy for breaking up with her over text message while the whole Internet called her crazy? She’s now doing a regular advice column here at Guyism because you love her so. Today she tackles lack of sex in a relationship.

My piece a few weeks ago about Erectile Dysfunction seems to have hit on a very relatable nerve. My inbox was full of questions from you guys, and I really appreciated your honesty in discussing such a sensitive topic.

One recurring theme I saw was of men who don’t have ED, but just don’t seem to have sex. As in, ever. People in committed relationships — some, even in marriages — were the ones reaching out in the dozens, so I thought I’d address that eternal question people seem to have: How much sex is too much/little/frequent/infrequent?

I haven’t ever been in a situation where there was a shortage of sex, so when I hear about other couples struggling to find “time,” “interest,” or “energy” for sex a couple of times a month, I never really understand that situation. What I often ask those who reach out with questions about this topic is, “What’s your hold up?”

A close girlfriend of mine has been dating the same guy for three years, and they are in this predicament — they never have sex. The last time she can remember was half a year ago, and in the time since then they seem to spend their time doing decidedly less fun things, like cooking classes and spa days (yes, really).

For the same reason I credit ED appearing in more and more (and younger and younger) men, the lack of sexual activity among partners seems to stem from the same reason — overexposure and an overall desensitization to sex. In a world where access to scripted, filmed sex is free, easy, and ubiquitous, the drive that may have once dominated in the newness of a relationship is now boring and not exotic. Sex isn’t taboo anymore, and instead of feeling intimacy or strength from relations, now that same act seems to be the norm.

If you’re finding yourself less and less interested in sex, first identify the reason. If you’re looking for greener pastures, than you obviously have a chemistry problem with your partner. But, if you’re mostly unexcited by the prospect of sex, as many seem to be writing in about, it may be time to re-evaluate how you view sex in the first place.