22 Things I Would Do If I Went Back To College

My parents once told me that college was about finding out who you are. Well, I call bullshit. Five years and several hundred thousand dollars later, all I have to show for it is a mild drinking problem. And although I already have plenty of things that will be brought up at my wedding, in celebration of 22 Jump Street’s release on Digital HD and Blu-ray Combo Pack release on 11/18/2014, I have made this list of 22 things that I wish I could do if I got a chance to go back to college.

Study Abroad

Every one of my close friends traveled to somewhere exotic – South Africa, Spain, you name it. I would give anything to go back and get absolutely hospital wasted in a foreign country.

Make more road trips

There really is nothing like saying “fuck it” and hopping in a car with a backpack full of liquor and a change of shirt with your good friends and going to visit another university for the weekend.

Have a mountain weekend

Something always came up academically when I had a chance to go to the mountains for a weekend with some friend. Do you know many drunk people can you fit in a cabin? Apparently it’s a lot.

Not date anyone my freshman year

Older and wiser now, I fully believe that no 18 year olds are mature enough to balance a girlfriend/boyfriend with all of the distractions of being a freshman. With parties every weekend and tons of other drunk co-eds in the mix, there is sure to be some serious FOMO when you have to stay in with your significant other to Skype on a Friday.

Worked at a bar

I’ve heard that it is overall a shitty experience, but a lot of fun in the long run. Plus, some of my friends used to walk out of the bar with 300 dollars worth of tips for 4 hours of work.

Taken easier classes my first semester

Classic mistake. “I just took like 40 AP classes, I can totally handle the same course load my freshman year.” No you can’t. Don’t do it.

Gotten more involved on campus

While I didn’t used to think I had time for extracurricular activities that didn’t involve drinking, there is a part of me that sees now how they benefited a lot of people. Mainly because they boost your resume.

Stayed out later

There were times that alcohol forced me to retire early, but the “I can sleep when I’m dead” mantra was not often followed as closely as it was talked about. A lot of cops have told me that nothing good happens after 2 AM, but I beg to differ.

Worked out more

A lot of people got the freshman 15. Some got the freshman 30 or 45. There are times in which I could’ve taken 20 minutes out of my day to go on a jog, but my couch usually won that battle.

Gone home more

There were times at which it felt like I was only calling them for money or to tell them I was still breathing after a 128 hour bender in another state, but there really is nothing like a home cooked meal. Here’s to going home and masturbating in your childhood room.

Made more efficient use of my time

There is really no reason that anyone should have to review material more than for two hours at a time. Long nights studying until my eyes bleed seems unnecessary now. Perhaps some of those all nighters weren’t necessary.

Drank until the sun came up

Have you ever seen the sun rise with a beer in your hand? It’s majestic. There is nothing like completing a full night of drinking with your best of friends only to realize you’ve been bullshitting so long that the sun is about to come up.

Been to more professional sporting events

NFL, horse racing, underwater basket weaving, anything. I went to Talladega Motor Speedway once for a NASCAR race. It was by far one of the most incredible experiences of my life, and I wish I could go back and do it again.

Gone to class more

Those attendance grades could have actually helped the GPA I struggled with for four years.

Attended more school sporting events

If you love your school, why not support every facet of it? I admit that there are limits to how entertaining a women’s softball game is, but they are students just like you.

Made more friends with faculty

Perhaps if I had gone to my professor’s office hours more, those several 79.8s would’ve become 80s. Although it feels like most are, professors aren’t out to bend you over a picnic table every chance they get.

Gotten a dog

Self-explanatory. Dogs are awesome.

Learned to play an instrument

I love music just as much as the next person, but there is SO much free time in college that I could’ve absolutely devoted some time to picking up the guitar. Super plus for the babes.

Put more effort into athletics

I’m certainly no D1 recruit, but I did enjoy playing club lacrosse as a student. Perhaps with a little more effort, I wouldn’t have been vomiting at the end of every practice.

Kept in contact with old friends

I still keep in contact with about two people I went to high school with. I do keep track of the whereabouts of my close college friends, but there are many people that I used to hang out with and now have approximately zero idea where they are in the world.

Networked more

I have plenty of contacts now, but that is from the internship(s) that I got – the value of having someone you can call for a business favor is unmatchable, and working more to network with dads on football game day would’ve probably paid off more than getting blackout drunk.

Saved more money

Obviously, most of my college experience was centered around spending money. Beer, food, what have you. It would’ve been nice to at least have some extra spending money my senior year rather than still be consuming ramen noodles on the reg.

Thanks for reading and don’t forget to pick up 22 Jump Street, available now on Digital HD and Blu-ray Combo Pack on 11/18/2014