7 jobs that are tailor-made for assholes

Just like genital herpes, assholes are forever. We as a society will never be able to get rid of them. As you read this, thousands of little assholes are being born every second. New classes of assholes graduate and asshole their way into society every single year. Like the mythical hydra’s heads, if you take care of one asshole, two more pop up in his place. Because of the incredible abundance of people of the asshole persuasion, our world has needed to adapt. We needed to put their asshole skills to the test in the real world. Here are 7 occupations that fit assholes like a glove.

Customer Service Call Center

This is a great job for a moderate to severe asshole, who just isn’t sure what they want to do with their life yet. These jobs are everywhere and they harness a natural ability an asshole has. To be a customer service call center worker, you have to absolutely dominate at not giving a fuck about the concerns of other people. Sure, you have to not care in the politest way possible… but that is where the asshole rises to be a cut above the rest. Nobody disappoints with glee quite like an asshole does. An asshole derives the purest of joy by telling someone something they really don’t want to hear and that is why they are gods among men in the customer service world.

Cab Driver

This is an occupation that needed to deploy assholes into the field to deal with all the assholes that use cab services. Drunk assholes, business assholes, asshole couples, asshole kids, broke assholes, people who drive like assholes… no matter which variation of asshole gets in the back of that car, only an asshole is equipped to deal with these situations. Shit gets crazy on the roads and who knows crazy shit better than an asshole? NOBODY!

 Pretty Much All Non-Military Government Jobs

If nothing brings you greater joy than absolutely ruining someone’s day, then you are an asshole. Oh, and you have a promising future in government. Whether you are an asshole who loves slowly breaking people down with little inconveniences or you love destroying the lives of people by the thousands, government is looking for assholes like you. The DMV, The IRS, politicians, take in assholes for jobs like a whale taking in plankton. The field of government work is so riddled with assholes, that it has resulted in all kinds of asshole policies which turn everyday good people into assholes. The only possible end game here is a country completely populated from top to bottom with assholes.


Sales is essentially the art of getting the most amount of money you can for a product or service and mindfucking the buyer into believing that above all else… their concerns are your top priority. This kind of environment makes an asshole salivate. Completely screwing people over AND making money while doing it?! An asshole says, “SIGN ME UP!” The top assholes in the sales field rise to the ranks of some the most high paying sales management gigs in the country, everyday an asshole gets rich.

Law Practice

You know what kind of people like to get paid, even if they fail? Assholes. THEY LOVE IT. Attorneys can lose a case and still get paid… a shitload of money. The most wealthy attorneys are the ones who regularly defend rich assholes. Whether it’s a celebrity murderer/rapist or a billionaire who killed people in the name of business… an asshole attorney will have your asshole back. An asshole thrives in an environment where ethics can be thrown to the wind. If you’re really into helping bad people succeed… work hard, strengthen your asshole attributes, get into law school and booooom… you go from asshole to asshole with a law degree.


Terrorist are confused assholes who march to the beat of a twisted, sick drum. These assholes are convinced everyone else are assholes and get all murdery. Are you into taking your pain and passing it onto hundreds of people at a time? Well, you’ve got a bright future as a terrorist, ya asshole! Being a terrorist does have some physical requirements. You should have enough physical prowess to quickly go across monkey bars and do pathetic somersaults.

Pop Music Star

Whether you see yourself as more of a Justin Bieber kind of an asshole or more of the Chris Brown type… assholes become famous in the world of music all the time. Justin Bieber has shown us that the philosophy of an asshole knows no age. Like other great jobs for assholes, this one can be extremely lucrative. You get to ignore the law a bunch. You get out of trouble all the time AND you force people to listen to horrible music. It’s an asshole’s dream come true. These assholes get chicks, nice cars, huge houses and have very few actual real life problems to deal with… so they tend to reach their asshole potential at a much younger age. Pour your asshole heart into some really bad music and you could be the next asshole pop sensation!

As you can see, there are plenty of jobs out there for assholes from all walks of life. I will leave you with these words from the film “Team America: World Police.” I think they ring true and are a fitting description to life on our planet.

Check out Andy Green every Monday on 101 WRIF’s Dave and Chuck The Freak!

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