Bacon Popcorn is the secret to making any chick flick bearable. It will also keep your vegan girlfriend from eating all of it under the pretense, “I don’t want any. I’ll just have a little of yours.”
A wise man once said, “Everything’s better with bacon.” He likely died of a heart attack, but it was life worth living. Unfortunately the contrasting textures of real bacon and popcorn just didn’t work well so I had to resort to facon. Rest assured there’s still real bacon involved though.
When I said “easy to make” I forgot to mention that you have to have a bucket of bacon grease lying around. That’s right. My jar of The Most Interesting Jam in the World is now full of bacon grease. You didn’t think I had been throwing that out all this time, did you? Only a fool would dump bacon grease.
There’s an easy solution if you don’t keep fat in a jar. Cook bacon! Just make a whole batch of bacon and eat that during the movie too. Who picked popcorn as the official snack of the cinema anyway?
Obviously you’re disappointed to see Bacos being used here instead of real bacon. I tried powderizing strips though, and it just didn’t work. They stay too wet for the type of snack I was trying to make.
The upside to facon is that you have an excuse to use a liquor bottle as a rolling pin. I know how excited all of you get about that.
I just picture While E Coyote standing 1000 feet above this waiting to roll a boulder off a cliff. I’m assuming Road Runner also love bacon so this is the perfect trap.
Did you know coyotes can hit 43 mph while roadrunners can only hit 20 mph? Yeah, your entire childhood was a lie.
This is actually the first time I’ve ever made popcorn on a stove. When I was a kid we had a popcorn maker, and as an adult I’ve only used microwaveable bags. Neither of those come equipped with bacon grease though, so this is the absolute best way to make birdseed turn itself inside out. Unfortunately it doesn’t make for very good pictures, but I’m sure you can imagine what popcorn in a pot looks like.
Coat the popcorn in butter, sprinkle on a bacon and salt mixture, and eat until you can’t feel feelings. If the size of the bags at movie theaters is any indication, you should be able to consume at least 5 gallons of popcorn, so there’s no need to pace yourself. Just make more. I have a small shovel that I’m happy to loan you if eating with your hands is too slow.
This is another recipe from Food.com. I tried a few others that involved chunks of bacon, but it just never felt right. It either sank to the bottom or made for an awkward texture combo. Chalk up a win for Food.com.
Ingredients:
- 1/2 cup unpopped popcorn
- 5 tablespoons melted bacon grease
- 1/8 cup melted butter
- 1 tablespoon table salt
- 5 tablespoons crushed Bacos
Directions:
- Set medium sized pot on burner set to medium-high.
- Pour in nectar of the gods (bacon grease) allowing to heat for 5 minutes.
- Smash artificial bacon with your bare hands.
- Realize step 3 was a joke, and you’re not that strong.
- Put Bacos in Ziplock bag and pulverize with whisky rolling pin.
- Stir salt into powdered bacon bits.
- Pretend mixture is drugs and rub on gums.
- Regret.
- Turn down heat to medium, add unpopped popcorn and cover.
- Melt butter in microwave or separate pan.
- Allow popcorn to pop, shaking regularly.
- When popcorn has finished popping, remove from heat, uncovering after one minute.
- Slowly pour butter over popcorn, shaking and fluffing to ensure even distribution.
- In pinches, sprinkle bacon and salt mixture over popcorn, mixing evenly again.
- Slip into euphoric state while eating.
- TELL GIRLFRIEND THE MOVIE WAS A GREAT RECOMMENDATION AND SHE’S AWESOME