How to make Velveeta Bacon Fudge

Colin Joliat

Colin Joliat


 

I had no idea you could make fudge with cheese, but this Velveeta Bacon Fudge proves it’s not only possible, but a great idea.

The first thing you’ll notice is that the fudge isn’t yellow. You don’t use nearly enough cheese to make that happen, which is good because that would be a visual obstacle I’m not sure I could overcome. At the end of the day, you don’t actually taste much cheese at all. Apparently fudge is the perfect place to hide your Velveeta during the shortage.

Colin Joliat

Colin Joliat


 

There aren’t too many bacon fudges, but there should be. Chocolate and bacon go together like two nuts in a fudge sack.

Speaking of nuts, that’s what the original recipe I based this on used. Why suffer though pecans and walnuts when you can eat bacon instead though? Get it together, Paula Deen. No wonder people hate you.

Colin Joliat

Colin Joliat


 

This step is just a case of letting Velveeta do what it does best – melt. That’s is primary purpose and marketing angle, so who are we to deny this processed delight that privilege?

Now you can really start to tell this is a Paula Deen recipe. A pot full of melted butter and cheese sounds like her wet dream.

Colin Joliat

Colin Joliat


 

When I first combined the powdered sugar and cocoa powder, I thought there was no way this fudge was turning out brown. Once segregation was struct down though I was surprised to see that chocolate reigned supreme. I believe that’s what you a loud minority.

Here’s a fun tip for you: Don’t put your hands in boiling hot cheese. Sounds obvious, right? Well that’s what I did. When I dumped the cheesy butter mix into the powdered sugar, I assumed there was enough of a buffer that I could use my hands to mix. Turns out I’m the dumbest GDMF’er on Earth. What’s worse is that because cheese is sticky, you can’t just pull your hands out and move on.

Colin Joliat

Colin Joliat


 

At this point it’s pretty much the best pie ever. I did as I was told and let it cool though, and ask any former girlfriend, I’m a sucker for instruction.

I’m not sure how long I was supposed to wait, but I just threw it in the fridge overnight and went to bed. It was still there in the morning so I think that’s fine.

Colin Joliat

Colin Joliat


 

You probably thought making fudge was some complex procedure that only strange people on Mackinac Island knew how to do. You’re wrong though. It’s pretty easy, and you can do it with Velveeta. I’d be interested to know if someone unaware of the recipe could identify the Velveeta. If you make this, give it to an unwitting friend (I don’t have any) and see what they say.

I recreated this delicacy from a Food Network recipe, but I added bacon because what doesn’t need more bacon? If you are some sort of conscientious objector to greatness I suppose you could go back to using nuts. Just don’t complain to me when it sucks.

Ingredients:

  • 1/2 pound Velveeta cheese, sliced
  • 1 cup butter
  • 1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
  • 1 cup chopped bacon
  • 2 (16-ounce) boxes confectioners’ sugar
  • 1/2 cup cocoa powder

Instructions:

  1. Cook bacon until crisp.
  2. Spray 9×9 pan with a nonstick spray.
  3. In a saucepan over medium heat, melt the cheese and butter together, stirring constantly until smooth.
  4. Remove from heat and add the vanilla and bacon.
  5. In a large bowl sift together the sugar and cocoa.
  6. Pour the cheese mixture into the sugar and cocoa mixture and stir (not with hands) until completely mixed. The fudge will be very stiff.
  7. Now using your hands, remove from bowl and press evenly and firmly into pan.
  8. Pat the top of the fudge with a paper towel to remove the excess oil.
  9. Place pan in refrigerator until candy is firm.
  10. Eat more than Augustus Gloop.
  11. Taunt people who couldn’t find Velveeta
  12. Defend remaining fudge with your life.
  13. To serve candy, cut into squares.

See more disturbingly delicious recipes from the Guyism Grill