Is it the size of the ship or the motion of the ocean? This eternal and thought-provoking question has been passed down from generation to generation and it focuses on man’s desire to have the third leg of a tri-pod, rather than a fresh fall acorn attached to his crotchoidial area. Certainly there are reasons for the whole well-endowed, “bigger is better” argument, but there are also some things that make sporting a massive glockenspiel downright frustrating. Thoughts?
Photo credit: woodleywonderworks, Flickr
6 It Makes You Lazy
Guys with tadpoles need to know how to f&ck way more than guys with flagpoles. If a guy’s got a wang that’s thicker than the base of a Coke can, all he’s gotta do is sit there and let it do all the work for him, right? Nope, the vagina is only one of many erogenous zones on a woman’s body and it’ll take more than an over-sized crotch-limb to love her fully and completely.
Photo credit: Cali4beach, Flickr
5 You’re Going to Hurt Her
Whether it’s too long or too thick, you’re going to hurt her at some point. The average vaginal canal is only 5.8″ deep when she’s aroused, so slap a tape measure on your junk and do the math. Then use a protractor, a bubble level and a scientific calculator, just to be certain. By the way, hurting the lady’s lady-parts means ixnay on the uttbay-exsay or eepday-roat-thay unless she’s particularly gifted and uh…durable.
Photo credit: Sara G…, Flickr
4 You’re a Piece of Meat
If you’re a regular ol’ wang Johnson, then women will talk about it and word will get around. Pretty soon, you’re going to be just a sweet-sweet piece of meat-meat to be taken out for a test drive. Actually, that sounds pretty awesome… What may not be awesome, though, is trying to suss out which women are using you for your imposing man-member and which ones actually like you for your personality. Okay…again, women using men for sex sounds awesome. I’m not sure how this made it onto the list.
Photo credit: modomatic, Flickr
3 Other Men are Jealous
Hell hath no fury like a pencil-penised man, forever scorned by the genetic short straw. Ever heard of penis envy? Try avoiding that while at a public urinal.
Photo credit: Derrick Coetzee, Flickr
2 It’s Harder to Hide
Say you’re in middle school and you’ve been called up to the blackboard to work out a long division problem. Then, all of a sudden you have a long division problem multiplying in your pants because you’re so nervous. If you had a short-stack, your classmates might not notice. But if you’re all rooty tooty fresh ‘n’ fruity down there, then you may be making a very visual statement to the entire class. I’m not sure why I used both math and pancakes as euphemisms, but now I want to go to IHOP.
Photo credit: Queque*, Flickr
1 It Gets in the Way
Whether you’re doing a dance routine and rotating it like a phallic pinwheel or getting it caught in your zipper because you didn’t take your time rolling it up like a fire-hose first before tucking it away, being the owner of impressive dickkery is not easy to manage. You’ll have to be extraordinarily vigilant to go a lifetime without There’s Something About Mary-themed accidents happening.
Photo credit: indi.ca, Flickr
(Previously published on November 2, 2012.)