I’m not suggesting you immediately go out and start a fight on the Internet, but if you’re bored and up to the task, these are the easiest ways to start a fight on the Internet.
1: Be Conservative
These days to start a fight on the Internet all you have to do on Facebook, Twitter, Reddit, pretty much any corner of the web, is open your mouth about your Conservative political beliefs. Whether you’re in a Conservative forum and Liberals show up to tell you how f*cking stupid and short-sighted you are, or whether you’re trolling Liberals, all you have to do is say ‘2nd Amendment, Obama sucks’ and what seems like the entire force of the leftist web comes swarming down on you in the comments. Go on, give it a shot sometime if you’re bored.
2: Be Liberal
From what I’ve heard in the press, Comrade Obama’s approval rating is at an all-time low. This has armed the Conservative masses with all the firepower they need to bash Liberals and their beliefs. It doesn’t matter if we’ve actually seen any improvement under Obama, all that matters is that the majority of ‘Murica thinks he sucks donkey balls.
I DARE YOU to admit you’re still a fan of Obama on the web. Set an egg timer and your juevos will be scrambled before that damned timer goes off. Go on, give it a try over in the comments on FOXNews.com…or don’t, I’m just here to tell you how to pick fights on the web, not to encourage it. But, if you’re looking to pick a fight over OBAMACARE, this might be a good place to start.
3: Be a man
Heaven forbid you’ve got the XY chromosome and you go meandering into the wrong corner of the Interwebs. Do you enjoy having testicles? Well, in some corners of the web just having a pair is a punishable offense. And it’ll spark up a fight the second you declare your ability to grow a beard.
We’re stuck in a perpetual cycle of trying to create a state of equality so much so that it’s actually become taboo to put your masculinity on display.
Oh Tumblr, never change…
4: Be a woman
Want to pick a fight in less than 30 seconds? Head on over here, tell them you have a pair of breasts, and express an unpopular opinion. BOOM. You’ve got yourself a full on cyber brawl.
Not only is it easier to pick a fight on the web as a woman, it’s also significantly easier to win one too. Because of a lil phenomenon known as ‘White Knighting’ on the web, it’s virtually impossible to lose an argument if you’re a woman. Go on ladies, try it. And guys, go pretend to wear the lady pants for a minute and give it a shot, the White Knights will be there in no time.
5: Be in college
Oh man, this one’s about as easy as it gets when it comes to throwing down Internet fisticuffs. Try to relay something you might have learned at some point? Holy sh*t where did all these supposed PhD level geniuses come from ripping your a-hole the size of Jupiter?
Try to relay a life experience? NOPE. You haven’t lived yet child. Just wait until you’re in the real world, kid.
6: Be American
Well, if we’re being honest here then being American might actually be the easiest way in the world to start a fight both online and offline. Things when traveling abroad have gotten significantly better for Americans since the Bush era, however, not much has changed online. I can’t tell you how many times during the World Cup I had some pissant on Twitter trying to tell me it’s ‘football’ not soccer, and how we’ll never be good at it until we get on board with the rest of the world. To that I say: FUUUUUUUUCK YOU pal. This is ‘Murica, and I’m on the ‘Murican Internet, and I’ll do AND say whatever the hell I want. SOCCER SOCCER SOCCER SOCCER SOCCER SOCCER SOCCER.
7: Use colloquialisms
Just like I mentioned above in reference to the soccer stuff, using colloquialisms is a sure fire way to get your ass flamed on the Internet. Say something that’s regionally out of context and you can expect cyber napalm to rain down upon you as you head over to thesaurus.com to figure out where the hell you went wrong.
For instance, try being British and using the word ‘fag’ (in relation to cigs) and you’ll have armies of politically correct tumblr users sending unwanted pizzas and dead animals to your house.
8: Be taken care of
Oh man, your privileged ass somehow hit life’s jackpot and certain things were handed to you on a silver spoon? Better not say that sh*t on the web, or you’ll have every fry cook from Maine to New Mexico telling you how they work 80hr weeks to provide for their 18 children and walk uphill both ways in the snow to work. I repeat: BEING PRIVILEGED IS NOT OKAY ON THE INTERNET. But if you’re looking to start a fight on Instagram, tell someone you’re 13 and post a photo of your Audemars Piguet Royal Oak Offshore, that’ll rile up hive in no time.
9: Be independent
Are you a free-thinker who doesn’t let the hive mind make decisions for you? Well, if you’re looking to pick a fight on the Internet then you’re in luck! Just open your flapper and express a unique thought, sit back, and wait to get paddled by the masses.
10: Be white
Were you born with light skin? So light in fact that one might call you caucasian? Well, head just about anywhere on the web, type that out, and soon your ears will ring to the sweet cries of ‘RACIST’!!!
BuzzFeed recently posted ‘29 Tumblr Posts About White People That Will Make You Sip Your Tea‘ and it’s currently done over ONE MILLION VIEWS. The entire post is essentially white bashing, albeit hilarious white bashing, so if you’re white and looking to start a fight on the web that might be a great place to start.
11: Be black
Even these days when we’re all overly obsessed with being politically correct, corners of the Internet (cough, /b/, cough) have managed to remain flooded with offensive racial slurs as if it’s the norm. Seriously, parts of the web are sinister. Just show up, tell them you’re black, and let the n-bombs and other racial slurs shower down upon you. It’s despicable. But it’s also a really quick way to pick a fight on the web.
12: Be exclusionary
Notice how above I only spoke about ‘white’ and ‘black’ and I left out the rest of the world? Yah, well maybe I’m looking to pick a fight with your sensitive ass. Leaving anyone out of anything on the web is a sure-fire way to pick a fight.
13: Be religious
Oh bro, you believe that Christ is your savior? I can already here the atheists knocking down the door to spew science at your ass, completely disregarding your right to belief.
You’re Jewish or Israeli? DUUUUDE, don’t you know that’s automatic grounds for a paddlin’ on the web? Just bend over, pull down your pants, and let the fight consume you.
14: Be atheist
The coin has two sides, and there’s nothing a Bible-Belter loves more than telling an atheist how they’ll burn in the fiery pits of Hell. Head on over to the comments anywhere on foxnews.com and express your atheistic beliefs, they’ll be lining up by the dozens to hurl insults at you.
15: Be informed
One surefire way to send the pitchforks in your direction on the web is to be overly knowledgeable on a subject of which many people know very little. Any time there’s a world conflict a specialist is guaranteed to have their ass roasted if they utter a peep of info on the web, as the masses have already read AT LEAST 10 HEADLINES on the subject and are prepared to skewer you for being too informed.
16: Be ignorant
Conversely, if you’re ignorant on a subject and looking to peck a fight, just tell the World Wide Web your thoughts and opinions, regardless of whether or not they’re rooted in fact…and soon enough you’ll have people flooding your inbox with messages of ‘KYS’ and ‘PEOPLE LIKE YOU DON’T DESERVE TO BREATHE AIR.’
17: Be bad at grammar
Owe isht, ewe just new dis was cumin, rite? Won of the quickest ways too pick a fight on the web is to spell things like an a$$h0le. And, use, punctation, when-ever, u, feellikeit. That’s a guaranteed fight on the boreds.
18: Be me
Yah, that’s me partying with and photobombing Paris Hilton at the Hotel Du Cap-Eden-Roc in Antibes, France. Yah, Lindsay Lohan was there too that night, wanna fight about it?
I’m assuming since you’re all such f*cking nincompoops you haven’t figured out by now that I only wrote this in order to pick a fight. Part of my day-to-day here on Guyism is manning all of our social channels, in addition blogging regularly. Which as you’re probably too stupid to piece together leads to me receiving an asinine amount of undue hatred in the form of comments, emails, DM’s, what have you.
Basically, whenever you’re sh*tty opinion conflicts with the proper opinion of anyone who’s ever posted on this site, I’m the one who’s had to field your anger. I’ll admit, you all have helped me find out just how thick my skin is, and some of you I’ve had to permanently ban from our Facebook page. But in the end, it’s all made me incredibly adept at picking fights with morons on the Internet.
So in summation, here’s, how, you, start, a fight on the Internet: Israel sucks, yay Hamas, college is only for black idiots, if you believe in Jesus you’re wasting your time and energy, global warming is fake as f*ck and if you think it’s real you should KYS, and last but not least: I’d vote for Kenyan born Barack HUSSEIN 0bama if he could run for a third term because he’s the single greatest thing to happen to the US of A in our glorious history as the greatest f*cking nation on earth (p.s., you suck France).
Internet hate image by Shutterstock