The world is filled with different kinds of people, most of them ridiculous, and so it should come as no surprise that there are many, many different kinds of drunks. And since drunks tend to be just exaggerated versions of themselves, this naturally means that most drunks end up being very, very ridiculous. It’s just basic logic. And so to help you navigate this world of the sloppy and the absurd we bring you this helpful guide of 11 types of drunks.
Symptoms: The happy drunk can be identified by his ridiculously good mood. They’ll laugh at everything, dance whenever they get the chance, speak in hyperbolic superlatives and generally act like they are having the greatest night of their life.
Common Side Effects: Nudity, refusal to go home, poverty after buying everyone at the bar drinks all night.
You Might Hear: “Oh my god, this is the greatest night of my life! You guys are the best friends in the world. This is the best band ever! We’ve gotta come to Chuck E. Cheese more often!”
Symptoms: The sloppy drunk will slur every other word as they degenerate into a disgusting combination of sweat, spilled alcohol and vomit. They’ll fall all over the place like he contracted a sudden case of vertigo, and you’ll end up having to carry them around all night like they were wounded in ‘Nam.
Common Side Effects: Vomit, bodily injury (both his and yours), fights after they piss off everyone, poverty after their wallet gets stolen by that bartender they swore was actually really into them.
You Might Hear: “You know something’ [five minutes worth of incomprehensible gibberish followed by ten more minutes of vomiting and then a quick brawl after refusing to apologize for puking on some dude’s shoes.]”
Symptoms: The sentimental drunk will spend all night telling everyone how much they love them, reminiscing about old times both real and imagined, and crying because you don’t hang out enough anymore like in the old days.
Common Side Effects: Nine hour long stories that don’t have a point, dehydration from crying, poverty after they give their wallet to a hobo because it’s “the right thing to do.”
You Might Hear: “Hey, remember the time that… “ This will happen roughly 968 times throughout the night.
Symptoms: Different from the sentimental drunk in that the maudlin drunk turns introspective and spends all night apologizing for various misdeeds and shortcomings both real and imagined. Where the sentimental drunk tries to focus on hyper-idealized good times, the maudlin drunk will declare everything hopeless and openly wonder why any of you are even friends with them. You’ll find yourself in agreement.
Common Side Effects: Nights out doubling as endless therapy sessions, extreme depression, fights after you get sick of telling them everything is fine and just finally unload on them, poverty after ripping up all their money in a grand dramatic gesture because “money is meaningless”, getting kicked out of the bar because now you can’t pay your tab.
You Might Hear: “I don’t even know why we’re here. I never have a good time, and you always end up so mad at me. I guess I’m just a shitty friend. No, no, it’s okay…”
Symptoms: The infantile drunk pulls a Benjamin Button as the night wears on, and with each drink they get progressively more child-like until finally they are talking in a baby voice. A phenomenon weirdly often found in big, fat grizzly bear types.
Common Side Effects: Extremely annoying, property damage as they start thrashing around like an out-of-control toddler, a ruined reputation after they scare everyone away from the party by pissing themself and then asking people to “change them,” poverty after being forced to pool all your money together to pay their bail after they get arrested for trying to hug a cop.
You Might Hear: “Me want pizza and wingies!” and other things that will give you nightmares for weeks.
Symptoms: The violent drunk spends all night positive that people are talking shit about them, and at some point they will get in a fight over something dumb, like some dude looking at them funny or another dude taking too many peanuts.
Common Side Effects: Fighting, fighting and more fighting, a very real chance of injury, including you when you get sucker-punched trying to break things up yet again, arrest, poverty after being forced to pay bail or getting mugged after getting their ass kicked.
You Might Hear: “I’m not gonna calm down. Fuck that! You saw what they did, bro. You saw that shit! Yeah? What, son? What!”
Symptoms: The touchy-feely drunk acts more like someone who just did a bunch of ecstasy, and they’ll be a little, uh, handsy with everyone. They’ll hug you 700 times throughout the night, and will end up making you uneasy as they straddle the line between “friendly” and “hey, I think you might be a sex offender.”
Common Side Effects: Discomfort as they invade everyone’s personal space, fights after “misunderstandings”, lawsuits, poverty after getting their wallet lifted while bear-hugging a hobo.
You Might Hear: “It’s okay if I hug you, right? Come here… hey, why do you seem so tense? Do you need a massage? Wait, where are you going?”
Symptoms: The naked drunk will use a single drop of alcohol as an excuse to get in touch with their inner exhibitionist. They may spend some of the night shirtless, and at one point they will “misplace” their pants.
Common Side Effects: Laughter as everyone thinks it’s cute at first, then nervous embarrassment once everyone realizes they're just going to keep going, followed by intense discomfort as they walks around with their goodies hanging out, fights after “misunderstandings”, arrests, poverty after someone steals their pants with their wallet in them.
You Might Hear: “Don’t be so uptight. We were all born this way. Come on, why you laughing? It’s just cold in here.”
Symptoms: The broken drunk just sits by themself, drowning their feelings in a tidal wave of sweet, soul-deadening alcohol. They drink because the sober alternative is just too terrifying to face. They won’t say anything to anyone until they finally piss themselves and then break down crying because they're sorry for everything. An evolved version of the maudlin drunk.
Common Side Effects: No friends, a black hole of depression and sadness which sucks in everybody who gets too close, a ruined life, poverty after a combination of spending their life’s savings on cheap beer and getting mugged after passing out in an alley behind the bar every night.
You Might Hear: Deep sighs in between gulps, maybe an occasional choked sob, coughing fits.
Symptoms: The manic drunk somehow manages to go be every other kind of drunk all in one night.
Common Side Effects: Everything already discussed, except again, all in one night.
You Might Hear: Just watch a Robin Williams “comedy” special.
Symptoms: The professional drunk is different because they have no symptoms. That’s the point. They have made maintaining an art form. In other words, they're alcoholics.
Common Side Effects: Nothing that you’ll see. You’ll just make the mistake of letting them drive you without knowing that they've downed a fifth of vodka already. Poverty after they convinces both himself and you to invest all your money in a pyramid scheme, which they’ll later apologize to you for after spending a month in court-ordered rehab following the “incident.”
You Might Hear: “Come on, let’s get a drink. Yes, I know it’s not even noon. No, seriously, come on, let’s get a drink. I need a goddamn drink!”