There are simply too many ‘WTF’ stories to come out of Florida every week for me to report on in real-time. So to give you the best-of-the-best, here’s the 10 most WTF news stories from the Sunshine State in the past week, your weekly collection of WTFlorida.
Prehistoric goliath grouper swallows 4ft shark whole in just one gulp
This story was the HOTTEST THING ON THE WEB yesterday. You can read the story in full here. The gist of is goes like this: teen fishermen reel in 4ft black-tip shark down in Bonita Springs, they toy with the shark and leave it in the water longer than they should have when a massive goliath grouper shows up, the grouper gets restless and swallows the shark in one fell swoop.
We here at Guyism (me specifically) are obnoxiously proud of finding this video in the wee hours of yesterday morning before it went viral, and post it when it only had under 1,000 views. In less than 24 hours it’s gone on to do nearly 3.5 MILLION views and has been the hottest damn thing on the web. I couldn’t help but boast at how damn quick we are to content though…even if it is like screaming in a soundproof booth when nobody sees it…such is life….
Fake or Florida should be a REAL game show
Late Night With Seth Meyers must be a Guyism WTFlorida reader, because they’ve plowed right in to the world of weird florida news with a new game show titled ‘Fake of Florida’ in which contestants are forced to guess at whether or not a news story was made up, or actually happened down in the Sunshine State. Here are the first two episodes:
Florida man fails at being a burglar, settles for jacking off into a seat cushion instead
South Florida’s Sun Sentinel reports that 21 year old Blake Howard attempted to gain entry into a woman’s house in Boynton Beach, failed miserably at breaking in, and was then caught on camera masturbating in to a seat cushion on her porch.
Police arrived and found a lamp post knocked over and a second lamp post smashed. They also found a seat cushion that normally was placed on a bench on the front porch thrown in the back yard, according to the report.
The woman told police she had a good idea of what happened because she has a security camera installed on her house. The video showed a young man who is naked trying to get into the house through the front door at about 2 a.m.
When that fails, he goes to the back and tries to get into the pool gate, police said. He stumbles into the bushes, sits down at the bench on the porch, grabs the seat cushion and begins masturbating into it, according to the report.
Yuuuuuppppppppppp, in my expert opinion this 1000% qualifies as WTFlorida, and if you disagree then you can just show yourself to the door. Just be sure to not rub one out on any of the cushions on your way out.
Guy accused of murder allegedly asked Siri the best place ‘to dump a body’
As we reported here, 20-year-old Pedro Bravo is accused of murdering his roommate. Without a plan, the man turned to know-it-all Siri, the iPhone application that makes suggestions based on questions from users. The young man allegedly asked “I need to hide my roommate” which isn’t even a question, but, Siri responded in her usual hilarious and no help whatsoever way.
Siri, which is known to make a joke or two, offered up: swamps (which are super places to hide decomposing human flesh, according to search results that will probably land me on Google’s watch list); reservoirs; metal foundries; and dumps.
Criminal busted stealing TVs tells judge his name is ‘Ima Thief’
According to NBC Miami, the man you see above was booked in Miami after allegedly trying to walk out of a Sunrise store with thousands of dollars worth of TVs and electronics equipment.
In the above screenshot the alleged thief is appearing in bond court, and when the judge asked him his name he responded with ‘Ima Thief.’ NBC Miami reports:
“You’re Ima Thief, sir,” Broward Judge John Fry asked the man while laughing.
“Yes, sir,” Thief responded.
“And you’re charged with grand theft,” Judge Fry said while shaking his head. “I’m going to call you Mr. Ima, okay? Alright.”
After exchanging good mornings, Judge Fry said, “I do sincerely wish you the best of luck. I just wasn’t really anticipating seeing this name.”
Clearly this Florida Man is a member of the ‘No Fux Given’ school of hard knocks. He refused to give his actual identity, because why not just spend the rest of your miserable life in a south Florida prison? There are plenty of worse fates, right?
Woman shoots what she thoughts was intruder, is actually her 7-year-old grandson
Just like elderly people SHOULD be (but aren’t) required to retake their driver’s license tests as they age, so should they also be required to either surrender or retest for weapon’s permits. Otherwise you end up with 63yr old grandma’s shooting their 7yr old grandchildren when they mistake them for intruders.
I’m all for protection of amendments and not infringing on people’s rights, but if you’re not fit to own a weapon then it should be surrendered…
Linda Maddox, 63, and her twin grandsons were sleeping in a bedroom after her son, who is the boy’s father, had left for work at the postal service, deputies said. Maddox told deputies she had placed a chair against the bedroom door handle for extra protection while they slept.
When she heard the chair sliding against the wood floor about 1 a.m. Tuesday, she assumed it was an intruder and grabbed a loaded .22-caliber revolver she keeps by the bed and fired one shot in the dark toward the door.
Seconds later, she heard her grandson Tyler Maddox scream, deputies said. He was shot once in the upper body. He was taken to a hospital, where he was listed in critical condition.
I take it grandma’s never had to get up in the middle of the night to take a piss? Me, well I get up about once on the average night and about 4x on nights after I’ve been drinking. I’ve got the bladder of an 8yr old on a road trip after I’ve been hitting grandpappy’s ‘ol cough medicine.
If my fiancee whipped out a gun and shot every time she heard something go bump in the night she’d have both a dead dog and a dead fiance, and she’d be damn miserable. To read full details of the story head on over to ABC News HERE.
Man impersonates officer in order to get better parking space
Jose Ortiz, 49, was picked up by cops down in Orange County, Florida when they found him impersonating an officer. His ensemble was complete with pepper spray, handcuffs, and even a taser. This dude took it about as far as anyone can go.
Why would Mr. Ortiz impersonate an officer of the law? Well, it seems all he wanted was a better parking spot. It seems that his particular abuse of power was all predicated on him saving a few extra steps from his car to the store….womp womp….
Full details of the incident can be READ HERE on Guyism.
20yr old man arrested banging cougar in parking lot, cougar who was once viral sensation
20-year-old Brandon Tinyes was arrested along with 42-year-old April Newcomb when the pair was caught bumping uglies in a Beef ‘O’Brady’s parking lot in Bradenton. If the name April Newcomb rings a bell, that’s because she has been in the WTFlorida news before.
This is the second publicized incident for Newcomb, who was arrested on child abuse charges in 2010 after a video showed the mother cheering on her teen daughter fighting another girl over a boy.
In the video, Newcomb screams at her daughter to not “f—— stop” and “punch her in the f—— body.”
Oohhhhhhhhh, that lady, right. I honestly didn’t even know where to begin here, because the little headline above basically gave away everything you needed to know. But just for good measure, here’s that video that I’m talking about:
A level of class and sophistication only seen in Florida…
Mom feeds tapeworms to daughter to skinny her up for pageants
I read so many weird news stories on a daily basis that it’s rare I actually stop and reflect on just terrible society has become. This is one of those stories. Huffington Post has the details on this story, which you can read in full HERE, excerpt below:
At some point, the patient went to the bathroom and started screaming.
“It was a toilet bowl full of tapeworms. Blegh!” Cabral-Osorio said. “It was so gross and she had pooped all these tapeworms. There were a couple that were very long and wiggling around trying to get out of the toilet bowl.”
“We were wondering how did she get those tapeworms, and then you saw the mom turn white,” Cabral-Osorio said. “The mom was apologizing to the girl. It’s like ‘I’m so sorry. You know, I did it just to make you a little skinnier. You needed some help before we went on to the pageant.”
Cabral-Osorio said the mother denied giving her daughter tapeworms per se, but admitted giving the girl pills with tapeworm eggs.
If you’re deeply disturbed by this, that’s good, you might actually have a chance at making it through life as a normal human being.
Naked charges strangers on the street, brandishes deadly sword
I like to end this round up each time on something that I deem to be prototypically WTFlorida in addition to also being slightly over the top, and that’s precisely what we have here. At Mayport Naval Station a naked man brandishing a sword reportedly charged and attacked passerbys. Which is all fine and dandy, but we want the video, right?