There are simply too many ‘WTF’ stories to come out of Florida every week for me to report on in real-time.
So to give you the best-of-the-best, here’s the 10 most WTF news stories from the Sunshine State in the past week, your weekly collection of WTFlorida.
In the past on Guyism, I used to do this post once each week (every Thursday). I’d round up that week’s 10 most WTFlorida news stories. But I didn’t do that here on BroBible last week, our first week after the merger and redesign. So this week the news stories might pull from the past few weeks, and not just the past 7 days, however, moving forward it’ll be a weekly post and it’ll be only the previous week’s most WTF stories.
And now for the real news….
Miss Florida Didn’t Win Miss America And It’s A Goddamn Outrage
How the hell did she not win with the BEST FACTOID IN THE HISTORY OF BEAUTY PAGEANTS?!?!
Never in the history or future of beauty pageants will a contestant be able to say anything as badass as Miss Florida, yet here we are with her not wearing the crown. In other (non-Florida) news, Miss Nebraska accidentally flashed her crotch and it’s something to be seen, and if you’re interested in that you can see it HERE.
Florida Man Called 911 Eight Times In Two Hours To Complain That He Didn’t Own A Refrigerator
It’s hot in Florida, really, really, ridiculously hot. It’s hot year round. So I can certainly understand Richard Wild’s trepidation at the thought of all his food spoiling. What I cannot understand however is how someone would call 911 EIGHT TIMES in only TWO HOURS to complain that he did not have a fridge.
A 60-year-old Fort Walton Beach man is charged with calling 911 eight times in two hours to complain that he had food but no refrigerator.
Fort Walton Beach Police officers were called to the Chestnut Avenue residence on Sept. 5, according to the arrest report. Richard Wild had called 911 because he was “upset because he has food and not fridge.”
He told the county operator that his phone only dialed 911, so he was going to keep calling, the report said. When the officers got to Wild’s apartment, he said he called 911 because he was upset that the property manager for his apartment had not installed a refrigerator in his unit.
He said he was aware it was not an emergency but “defiantly” said he didn’t care, according to the report. He said he would keep calling 911 until he “received satisfaction” with his complaint about the landlord.
If I’ve learned anything from my drunken run ins with the police it’s that they truly love it when you demand things of them. In fact, demanding something from an office is the thing they love the most in live, and it almost NEVER leads to terrible consequences.
After his beratement of the 911 hotline Richard Wild was charged with “misuse of 911” which I had no idea was a charge, but this is WTFlorida, and we learn something new every week.
Inmate Escapes From Jail, Goes On Beer Run, Sneaks Back In To Jail Without Anyone Noticing
Stop me if you’ve heard this one before: guy breaks law and goes to jail, guy gets put on work detail, guy sneaks off and goes to buy beer and cigs, guy gets caught….no? You haven’t heard this one before?
Jason Wayne Adams, 27, revealed the escape to deputies after his Sept. 9 arrest in his latest attempt to flee law enforcement.
Adams told deputies he escaped a work detail in Lutz on Aug. 28 and went to the Metro Food Mart at 24050 S.R. 54, according to his arrest report. He planned to smuggle chewing tobacco, cartons of cigarettes and alcoholic beverages back to the Sumter Correctional Institute in Bushnell.
Adams was part of a work detail on S.R. 54 for two weeks. Deputies are investigating whether he made other trips. They are also trying to determine if he managed to get the items back to prison.
So the only thing shocking here is that these guys aren’t constantly supervised during work detail, right? I mean, I cannot be the only person who didn’t know this.
I remember growing up down in Sarasota we had a huge creek in our backyard that every other year inmates would show up on work detail and clear, because the county used to fill it with tilapia. Something about the tilapia and invasive plants or some b.s. like that. In reality they were probably just selling the fish to fish markets in the northeast.
BUT, thinking back on it now, I was just playing in the backyard and there’d be unsupervised inmates? How in the shit is that okay? What in the actual fuck Florida? I demand answers. If you want more details on this story you can head on over HERE to ABC Action News.
Florida Men Win Lottery, Bag 550-Pound Alligator
If you want to hunt and kill an alligator in the state of Florida you must first apply to the Fish & Game lottery for a permit, and that permit allows you to kill these dinosaurs. So that’s exactly what Tracy Brown, James Fink, and Joe Fink did, and they managed to bag TWO PERMITS. Then they headed off to the fish camp over Labor Day weekend to wrassle them up a gator and put it down!
Over the Labor Day holiday, Tracy Brown and his two friends, James and Joe Fink, set out from Smith’s Fish Camp on Escambia River in search of big game.
They found it in the form of a 12-foot, 550-pound alligator affectionately called “The Swamp House Gator.”
“James has seen this alligator for eight years,” Brown said. “They’re avid gator hunters. I ended up hooking up with them and we went out to Escambia River.
The small group spotted the gator just a short ways north of where they put in at Smith’s Fish Camp and, after a grueling three-hour fight, had nothing to show but broken hook lines.
“About then, Florida Wildlife showed up because we had been making so much noise celebrating. They saw it and said that it was a monster.”
The shock Florida Wildlife officials had was nothing compared to the shock Brown’s girlfriend received when he arrived home with his prize.
“I told her I was going to get a monster,” Brown said. “And she said ‘Well, if you do we’ll get a wall mount.’
“I woke her up at 3 in the morning and she came out and saw this alligator. She said we’ll have to build a bigger house.”
Just another day in the swamps of WTFlorida. Bros out in the woods killing alligators who managed to fight so hard in life they became the apex predator, then some drunk swamp bros show up and bag it as a trophy. Such is life down in the Sunshine State.
Man Cooking Fried Chicken In His Underwear Sets His House On Fire
Ever been frying up something in your fundies (your fun underwear) when things go south in a hurry? Such is the case of Luis Reyes who was cooking up some fried chicken when all hell broke loose.
Luis Reyes was frying chicken for dinner and had just walked into his bedroom when the fire broke out. Oil from the cooking vessel had splattered on the walls and the fire was climbing. Reyes, who was dressed only in his underwear at the time, dashed to get a fire extinguisher but that didn’t help. Soon the apartment was engulfed in flames. When firefighters opened a window to enter, it brought in oxygen, causing the fire to spread, Reyes said.
He eventually found a T-shirt and shorts in his car, but everything in his apartment was destroyed.
If that’s not the breaks then I don’t know what the hell is. One moment you’re dreaming of a delicious meal and the next your life has been destroyed. My heart goes out to Luis. For full details you can head on over to RecordOnline HERE.
Man Accidentally Shoots And Kills His Sister At Her Birthday Party While Trying To Recreate Stunt From Hollywood Film ‘Tombstone’
There’s nothing funny about this story, nothing at all. I mean that in earnest. It’s only in this post because it’s truly insane news. A man is responsible for killing his own sister on her 40th birthday while trying to pull off a stunt.
In the 1993 classic western, actor Michael Biehn, as Johnny Ringo, elaborately twirls his pistol during a barroom showdown with Val Kilmer, as Doc Holliday.
Eric Stayton attempted the same stunt Saturday night at his home in Chaires, where about a dozen friends and relatives were celebrating the birthdays of his sister, 39-year-old Renee Chaires, and her 23-year-old daughter, reported the Tallahassee Democrat.
As he attempted to holster the weapon, it slipped from his hand, struck the concrete floor, and fired.
A single shot struck Chaires in the neck, and she later died.
Stayton has not been charged in the fatal shooting, which remains under investigation.
Like I said before, there’s nothing to be joked about here, I’m just including it because it’s a story that’s so out there (albeit dark) that it could only happen in Florida. Let’s move on….
Drug Dealer To Undercover Cop: I’m Too Smart To Get Caught
Really bro? You’re never going to get caught? EVERYONE gets caught eventually. It’s just a numbers game. If you stay in the game long enough you’re going to get caught, it’s inevitable.
SunSentinel has full details, but here’s a snippet:
Adalberto Ramiro-diaz bragged to an undercover cop that he’s never been busted because he’s smart about his drug dealing, Port St. Lucie officers said, reports TCPalm.com in Fort Pierce.
But there’s a first time for everything: Officers showed up at his place and seized drugs, a bogus FBI ID with Ramiro-diaz’s picture on it and guns, records show.
Ramiro-diaz even allegedly suggested that the undercover cop team up with him to sell lots of coke — and told the officer more about his business.
Let me reiterate: eventually everyone gets caught.
Man Who’s Face Is Covered In Marijuana: I’ve Done Nothing Wrong, My Hands Are On The Wheel
Bro, if you’re gonna go with the ‘I’m totally innocent, I swear’ routine then you at least need to make sure your face isn’t covered in the sticky icky icky.
Deputies have charged 26-year-old Benjamin Nutter with making a false call to 911, possession of marijuana, and fleeing and eluding early Tuesday morning.
“My hands are on the wheel, sir, I have not done anything wrong,” Nutter said to a 911 dispatcher as he was being stopped by deputies.
Nutter then left the shopping plaza and continued driving. When deputies were able to stop him, they said marijuana was all over his face and his car as he tried to get rid of evidence.
I guess if you know you’re guilty and likely to be caught then there’s zero reason you should own up to it immediately, right? At least gave it a fighting chance?
Military Vet Chooses Jail Over Giving His Ex Wife Any Money
Dude, really? Who are you, the one and only Ron Swanson?
A Suncoast veteran went to jail Wednesday in order to keep all of his VA disability check. It’s all because he and his wife are divorcing and she wants half.
Under federal law, the money is exempt from alimony payments. But state law says she may be entitled to it.
Terry Lynn says he wants to set a precedent to help all veterans in similar situations. He is on full disability from injuries he suffered while serving as a Marine during the Gulf War, but is now going through a divorce battle with his wife he met after his time in the military.
He says he’s bought her a house and made other compensations, but that’s as far as he’s willing to go. “There is actually federal laws which protect the veteran’s compensation check from alimony and being garnished.”
You can read full details HERE, or for now you can just take solace in the fact that there’s a real-life Ron Swanson living somewhere down in the Sunshine State. Amen to that!
Woman Named Isis Wants Media To Stop Using The Term ISIS To Refer To Jihadists
Last but not least we have one Florida woman named Isis crusading for all the woman of the world named Isis (who aren’t Islamic Jihadists). She’s petitioning the media to drop the acronym.
As of the time I’m writing this, the petition is at 8,817 signatures of the 9,000 signature goal. And we all know once she reaches 9,000 this will all go away. Because petitions work every time.
Here’s Isis on YouTube:
And here’s her story from Fusion:
Isis Martinez, a 38-year-old Miami resident, has started a petition asking the media to stop using the acronym ISIS when referring to the Islamic State.
Martinez, who was named after her mother (who was named after the Egyptian goddess of the sky), told Fusion she has grown frustrated by all the negative reactions her name has elicited. Adding to her frustration is the fact that the acronym isn’t factually correct.
“Although the acronym for this name is ISIL [Islamic State of Iraq and Levant] and the [United Nations], the U.S. State Department and even the Associated Press have made it clear that this is the correct name to use when referring to these shameful excuses for human beings,” Martinez wrote on a Facebook group she created to accompany her petition.
For more on her totally important and worthwhile crusade you can head on over to Fusion and read HERE. But for now just know there’s a woman in Florida who’s convinced she’ll get the media to change because she has an unfortunate name. And it’s totally gonna happen you guys, totally.
If you want more weird Florida content you can follow me on Twitter HERE. And hit me up with any weird and WTFlorida tips you may come across.
And for previous editions of ‘WTFlorida: A Weekly Round Up Of Florida’s Craziest News Stories’ you can head on over HERE or click the previous link.